Z 2.2.17

Z

Seeing her baby pictures
my heart hurts
my throat lumps.

I miss her breath in my ear
her eyes brightening
as I peered into her crib.

I miss being her entire world.
Not having to let anyone else in.
Not her teachers
or her friends
who teach things
I don't want taught.

Time slips through
the strands of her hair
that grows too long
covering her eyes.

Time slips through
her tears
that I can cause
when my skin is too thin.

Time slips through
my hand
when she pulls away
wanting to steady herself.

I have to fight the fears
that keep her from dreaming
that cause her to doubt
making her say stinging words.

On the days I fail her,
I wish for the clean slate.
To take back all the times
I caused a scratch.

Bring back the baby
that I don't annoy.

Bring back the baby
that I don't disappoint.

The pictures don't reveal
when I couldn't wait
for her to dress herself
feed herself
play on her own
and not need me for everything.

Tired and faded
I became part of the wallpaper.
I lost my name.
forgot who I was before.

I share her with a world
That will see her grow
In ways I will not.

I share her with a world
That will cause pains
I cannot mend.

I share her with a world
And will now and forever
outstretch my hand.

Bring back the baby
that I don't scar.