Working...on many things.

 5/19/21

That is a tricky word. I've been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years and I need a change. Mostly because I have no identity or at least I feel that way. I am too involved in my children's lives. Meaning, I am too emotionally involved with their day to day challenges. I want to have some type of feeling of completing something creative. Like the plays I say I'm going to write and I don't. I need to write each day but I end up tending to other things. I start project that I need to finish around the house. I'm happy that I'm able to do. I'm happy taking care of animals. I am happy to clean at times. I don't like cleaning up after others who can clean after themselves all the time. There are 4 adults and 2 capable children here! That annoys me. That is what makes me feel like a maid instead of a PERSON. Everyone works, even the girls go to school. I am here and trying to do things that are important for the household, but what is important for me as a person? Writing. Getting the plays done just even so I can see Kendra and Kevin or Zoe act them out. Or sing! I'd have to work that in somehow. I want to bring things to light that others don't talk about. I'd like to get rid of stigmas. There are so many things that we get judged by each day. Even Jason, who works all the time is judged...how much time does he spend with his family? Aren't they are priority? I feel that I've missed the target on that for as long as we've had children. He's working so we DO have things like a house and we are able to pay our bills. He works so we are stable, most likely because he didn't feel stable when he was little. I think me being home can make me seem lazy or that I'm not smart enough to have a job? Even Kendra makes me feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing. Her life is what I was doing (sort of) what I was doing at her age. Taking a break from the workforce created an insecurity in me. Can I even do it?  

How can I change the way I view myself? Have a better grasp on who I am. Show others who I am. Be busy. Be productive in the my creative brain. Show that I have other talents. Or even talent, period. It's true. Working on the inside out is what my work should be. I need to be alive again and find the person I was. I shut down and assumed a role that I didn't have to. I created my own jail. I can create whatever world I want. But as they say, if you keep on doing the same things, you'll get the same results. 

I applied to jobs, got face to face (or screen to screen) interviews but was passed over--one didn't even contact me back and one was very kind and told me he had to rehire his old staff first but he would pass my resume on (and I actually believe him). Before, I pretty  much always nailed the interview and got the job. That does shock the ego a bit.