If only I could just click my heels.

I'm laying on our bed reading Carrie Fisher's book while Legends of the Fall plays on Oxygen. Both tales of women who lived lives of extreme pain. (Of course, one is fiction.)

I can see outside...it's dark, rainy and windy. Just up the hill ,there is a lit Christmas tree. I can see the lights changing colors from red, to blue to green. It's comforting.

I'm still struggling a bit with the idea of my flight. I thought I'd gotten over it, but today I've been anxiety stricken- thinking about it all day. I bring it on myself. I'm perfectly aware of that. I keep staring out the window at those lights...just wanting to be home with family-knowing I have a long trip to get there. I keep thinking about being in my house...hugging my mom...getting little hugs and kisses from Kendra, Derek and Mac. It'll be fine. There are so many I'm seeing...so much to look forward to. I'm angry that I'm not more excited...but spend my time being petrified.

Over the weekend we drove to Skaneateles to see their Dicken's Christmas. The town dresses in Dicken's costumes and wander the little town carolling. It's fun to see. It was freezing out...I didn't bring my heavy coat, believing the weatherman who told me it would be 50 degrees. When that wind hit us...I bet it was below freezing. Jason gave me his coat being the gentleman that he is. We spent the day trying to get pictures all over town, but ended up getting too cold. We ducked into coffee shops and bookstores to get warm again. I bought an ornament and a snow globe to remember the day.

It seems like the days are so short. Even though I fill it with housework and reading (and napping)...it gets dark sooner than I would like it. Time is going so quickly. I'm not sure why I want it to slow down...but I do. It's a precious thing...it bothers me to spend so long in doors, not busy and waiting. (Not sure what I'm waiting for)

Jason just came in and closed the blinds so that people outside couldn't see me. I should have asked him to leave them open. Maybe the tree could see me...and wished it was out of the cold.

But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.

Today's Headlines

I get up every morning and watch The Today Show. This morning I watched Carrie Fisher talk about her new book, "Wishful Drinking." She talked very openly about her life, etc. I might go get that book. She has such a sense of humor about things. I lose that sometimes and need to tap into that more. She seemed awfully manic however...which struck me a little. She talked about her bi-polar disorder and how she isn't ashamed of it. The more I think about it, I really think I was misdiagnosed. Or, maybe I was bi-polar, but it was induced by all of the medication. Now that I don't take anything...I feel fine. I'm not against medication, but taking 8 pills a day like I used to just isn't good for you. I shudder at that time of my life...and no one could tell me any differently. Yuck.

Jay Leno is going prime time. Hmmm...I wonder if Conan is pissed. He is leaving his chair there for Conan...what a guy. It seems so close to Rosie's new show! I wonder if she thinks the same thing. I haven't seen any commercials for her show...I wonder if it bombed?

A new sex survey for women says that most women feel their sexiest at age 34. I feel that by next year, I'll feel sexier...but at 33, I have a little bit to go. In our 20s...women avg sex 10.4 times a month and in our 30s, we avg. sex 4.4 times a month. What is the .4? (I would say that statistic is accurate pretty much...at least for me.)

I emailed Dustin today about The Oscar's. They will be held on Feb. 22nd. Since we've been friends, we've only spent 1 Oscar's away from each other. (I was laid up in the hospital and didn't stay awake past the opening remarks--who could blame him??) I'm hoping we'll spend this year together. I'd love it if he flew here. Though we're further from the actual ceremony, we'd be closer to NYC...for whatever that's worth. I haven't seen many films I feel will be nominated, but they'll be coming out starting this weekend! I need something to do today and wondered if I should go see Twilight (don't judge) ...but will save the $$ for MILK.

It's snowing here. It's so nice when you don't have to go anywhere. Jason leaves tonight for Albany. I hate that. He seems like he goes and goes and goes. I'm looking forward to the holiday...just to make him sit in an chair all day and eat food...maybe drifting into sleep--that will be a great sight. (He can join my dad who will be turning off his hearing aid and sleeping to escape all of the screaming grand kids.)

Will I make it to the gym today?? I've gone every day since Saturday. It's been great. My mood has really improved. It's great to get out of the apt and feel that I have something to do. But, today, as I look out into the snow...it may be a day that I spend with Barbra and Robert. Watching The Way We Were reminds me of my mom...and I'm homesick today.

maybe i'll write more later.

Vampires are hot.

The weekend was a nice one. Jason came home from CA on Friday morning--the red eye and then proceeded to sleep until 3:30. I flew the red eye once from San Fran to Chicago a few years ago and man, it destroyed me for the day. I suppose had I flown there on it, I would've fared better, but knowing I was flying back to work--I was a bit of a brat to my companion. Saturday, we got out and went to the YMCA. It's huge! It's surrounded by trees and is a really nice facility. I finally decided I needed somewhere to go each day. Why not get healthy while I'm not doing anything else. heheh. Plus, I thought it would help my mood. The serotonin levels needed a boost.

We also finally made it to a movie--after I pried Jason away from a football game. We went to see Australia. Jason had some issues with it. He had no idea it was a Baz Luhrmann film and felt it was a little predictable and larger than life. Ummm...of course it is. It's really beautiful, very romantic (unrealistically so) and a bit of a throw back to old Hollywood movies. It took place in 1939--and it might have been a bigger hit had it released back then as well. Yet, Hugh Jackman wouldn't have been in it and that would've been a shame. Baz must be infatuated with him...his shots of Hugh were so amazing, it was laughable. He is too gorgeous, it nuts.

Kendra called over the weekend to say she'd just watched Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she loved it. I have to giggle thinking of Kortney, Toni and I watching it with newspapers over our heads and singing all the songs in 8th grade. Too funny. She also saw Twilight and freaked out about it. I haven't seen it, but recommended The Lost Boys for her vamp fix. She'd never heard of it...how great is that?!! I thought Wendy would have it, but I may have stolen the VHS years ago. So! It's Vamp gifts for Kendra this year! The Lost Boys and Interview with the Vampire. How fun! Gosh, I had such a crush on Jason Patrick and Keifer Sutherland in that movie. Wow...

Control- not just a great Janet Jackson album.

I'm writing without a thing to say. Today is moving very slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until after 10. I did have 2 conversations already, however. So, it wasn't a total sloth move. I've now showered and fixed myself a very strong cup of coffee. I unloaded the dishwasher and got a guilt trip from Meryl that I hadn't made the bed yet. I'll do that when I'm done. She is very judgemental. "Messy bed, messy life." What a little bitch she is. (She's my cat...)

So, I'm just going to write about this because it's been on my mind and why not throw it out to the universe. I've developed a fear of flying recently. I've flown just fine for years, now it's back. I had a very nervous flight this past summer and it seems to have had quite an affect. I have anxiety about getting anxiety, more than fearing the flight itself. I'm not afraid of dying at all. I don't feel the plane will crash. I just don't like the small space and not being able to get up when I want to. The take off is my biggest issue. You have to stay seated and you can't listen to your ipod. I like to escape and the ipod helps me not think about being trapped in my seat. This all seems so ridiculous. Amanda feels it is a loss of control. Yeah, I don't have a lot of control in my life right now...and this is just the last straw! I did get an aisle seat though, so maybe that will help. There is a key to this, I know it. I've started talking to myself about it. (No worries, I'm not answering.) I give myself pep talks about it. I even listed out all the trips I've taken to show myself how many flights where I was just fine!

This sounds nuts. Let's talk about something else.

Yesterday I went to see Four Christmases to get out of the house. There were about 3 sets of older couples and myself. I'm not sure if it was just because I was starved for entertainment, but I laughed a lot. There were a few scenes that had me howling. But, there were also some scenes that went on way too long. I love Vince. He just keeps getting larger it seems, but he's so adorable and has great comedic timing. I thought Reese was fine. She seemed to keep up, but he was definitely leading the way. You can wait for the dvd release, but if you're bored, go see it. If you go in with low expectations, I think you'll be fine. (man, that's a glowing review.)

I really want to go see Australia, but I know Jason wants to see it, so I have to wait. Hugh Jackman is just delicious. I think I could get through a plane ride if maybe he was on one side and Harry Connick Jr. was on the other. They both could take turns singing to me. I do enjoy a man that sings. (This does not include Kevin Bacon--The Bacon Brothers are painful to listen to-they were on Regis and Kelly this morning.)

Today's Goals-

-make the bed
-fold and put away laundry
-figure out where to put the 3 boxes in the kitchen.
-maybe join the YMCA? I need to get out and go somewhere.
-Figure out creative and inexpensive xmas gifts for family. (I'm really thinking of taking a page out of Oprah's book and doing MY favorite things!--just fun and useful stocking stuffers.)
-EXERCISE!!! (this should really help my mood.)
-make myself go grocery shopping. It'd be nice if J came home to food in the house.

I'll be honest in what I get done and let you know.

The Sponge

I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.

I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!

I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.

I need to think.


Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.

No more green straws...

I've been hooked on the Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate this season. I can't keep getting it--it's ridiculous. I have such an addictive personality! So, I made a deal with myself. No more Starbuck's until I get a job. What a satisfying drink that will be!! Besides, it's just too much money right now. I realize that I am aiding in the closing of so many Starbuck's--but I'm standing strong. I just got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon. It was just over a buck. I'm saving $3 every time I get that instead. That's...umm...around $700 a year I'm saving drinking Dunkin.

This is a short entry, I'm about to take Jason to the airport. He'll be in California until Thursday night. I'm going to decorate the apt and get into the festive spirit!

I'll leave you with a quote from Jason's grandma Stella (which triggered my Starbuck's boycott)--

"It's not what you make, it's what you save." So true!! I've seen so many make a ton of cash, but blow it all with nothing to show for it. She is a GREAT penny pincher and is now living just fine on the money she's saved her entire life.