But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.