Beautiful.

Today, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Jason is gone and I needed to get out of the house since yesterday I seemed a bit down and laid around all day waiting on something to happen. I found a theatre that had stadium seating. I'd never been there before, but the usual theatre I go to has horrible seats and I knew that I'd be sitting for close to 3 hours. I thought I'd be alone, but at the last minute, a man came in and sat a few rows behind me. The movie was captivating. I love going alone. I love just sitting and not worrying if the person next to me is having a good time. I didn't even think about the time. The story gulped me up and I was just entranced. There's something about Brad that has you waiting on him to be beautiful. It doesn't come for quite some time, but when he finally hits the screen in all of his current glory, it's like a breath of fresh air. I forgot he was Brad...the actor, but I was fully aware of his face and was happy to see it. Cate was beautiful throughout. It was easier to see her age. When Brad and Cate "meet in the middle" of life and start their affair...I realized that I'm at that stage right now in my life. Jason and I will probably never look better. I often stare at him...he's so beautiful to me. I realize I will watch him age...his face will start to wrinkle and his back will begin to bend. I decided to print out as many pictures of him and put them into a book. I just want to remember this time in our lives...I want to remember us as young people. When I see pictures of my parents when they were younger, it's surreal to me. Seeing my father in black and white...with no lines around his eyes...there's just something about it that makes me feel as if I missed something. Our memories of people are all we have. Pictures capture a single moment in time you'll never see again. It's magical in a way. One day, Jason's children will laugh at his beard or his goofy smile. But when they see the pictures again as adults, they will realize he was young once...just like them and they will instantly feel a connection with him they didn't have before.

I cried at 3 separate occasions in the movie. It was heartbreaking to a point. But it also was so moving...the realizations you have about life. The fact that you are never too old (or too young) to start over...or to just start in general. I loved it. I wonder if the man behind me liked it. When the credits rolled, I stretched and slowly exited the theatre. I looked back to see him gathering his coat. We'd witnessed this wonderful story this afternoon --just the two of us. I felt oddly bonded to him.

There something about having the movie experience alone that is almost spiritual. That may sound nuts...but for a girl who rarely finds herself in church, it seems very close to the same experience. I've learned to be one of my best friends. As long as there is a movie theatre...I'm never lonely or alone.

a lazy shade of winter

So, I've been back from the holiday for a week or so but I haven't written. I wouldn't do well with writing deadlines would I? Or, maybe deadlines are exactly what I need. What I need, is a job. And, I've looked...and updated and posted...and nothing. I'm not watching paint dry, but I'm certainly not feeling that I'm growing during this time either. I'm frustrated, more with myself than with the economy. Being home was good for the soul. It showed me a lot about myself and about what my life is now. My life is me and Jason...and New York. I'm very friend oriented...I've been framing my friends' faces to keep them around me in each room. Not having any actual friends here is ok for now. I signed up for a Meet-up event on Saturday night. We're going to the movies!! And we will meet people! I'm going to put an reminder on the fridge. (the last time, I forgot about it.) It's time. We need to talk to some other New Yorkers.

We're doing well...I'm not trying to be in another room just to get away from him yet. Actually, I feel closer to him. We're a team...and we're getting through this together. Spring will help. The snow keeps me inside more than it should. I'm embarrassed at my lack of motivation to do do do!! I'm a creature of the sun...and it needs to be out in order for me to get the desire to run around outside. I'm just going to have to learn to accept some things. All of the little people that I want to see grow up...I'm just going to have to see in pictures. I need to give up the pull towards KS and wanting to see every stage. It's sad to me. My siblings and friends have these adorable little people who look like them and I want them to know me. I may have to just be someone who they know they can lean on...someone they can call later in life to get away from their own family. I wish I had that now. I want someone to visit who is all mine. It's selfish, I know. I'd love to have a friend who pointed me in the right direction in my life and told me to go! I'm still struggling with my true North. There is more to life than a clean apartment. There's more than paying your bills on time and being a good citizen. There's also more than having children. But...what is it??

In my dream world, it's in the traveling, the writing, the painting, the arts, the music and the love (sex). I want to take my picture, put it into Picasa and saturate myself with color. That's how I want to feel. Saturated.

I keep writing as a someone who is searching for something.