a lazy shade of winter

So, I've been back from the holiday for a week or so but I haven't written. I wouldn't do well with writing deadlines would I? Or, maybe deadlines are exactly what I need. What I need, is a job. And, I've looked...and updated and posted...and nothing. I'm not watching paint dry, but I'm certainly not feeling that I'm growing during this time either. I'm frustrated, more with myself than with the economy. Being home was good for the soul. It showed me a lot about myself and about what my life is now. My life is me and Jason...and New York. I'm very friend oriented...I've been framing my friends' faces to keep them around me in each room. Not having any actual friends here is ok for now. I signed up for a Meet-up event on Saturday night. We're going to the movies!! And we will meet people! I'm going to put an reminder on the fridge. (the last time, I forgot about it.) It's time. We need to talk to some other New Yorkers.

We're doing well...I'm not trying to be in another room just to get away from him yet. Actually, I feel closer to him. We're a team...and we're getting through this together. Spring will help. The snow keeps me inside more than it should. I'm embarrassed at my lack of motivation to do do do!! I'm a creature of the sun...and it needs to be out in order for me to get the desire to run around outside. I'm just going to have to learn to accept some things. All of the little people that I want to see grow up...I'm just going to have to see in pictures. I need to give up the pull towards KS and wanting to see every stage. It's sad to me. My siblings and friends have these adorable little people who look like them and I want them to know me. I may have to just be someone who they know they can lean on...someone they can call later in life to get away from their own family. I wish I had that now. I want someone to visit who is all mine. It's selfish, I know. I'd love to have a friend who pointed me in the right direction in my life and told me to go! I'm still struggling with my true North. There is more to life than a clean apartment. There's more than paying your bills on time and being a good citizen. There's also more than having children. But...what is it??

In my dream world, it's in the traveling, the writing, the painting, the arts, the music and the love (sex). I want to take my picture, put it into Picasa and saturate myself with color. That's how I want to feel. Saturated.

I keep writing as a someone who is searching for something.