Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sylvia

I just read this:

"Nothing is real except the present, and already I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I , too, will passs. The high moment, the burning flash come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die."

She wrote this at 18 and killed herself at 30. (I wrote 31 in a previous post--didn't realize she hadn't yet had her birthday.)

Just a quick realization. I felt more like this at 20...now at 34, I feel more hope and less like the centuries are smothering me. I live, comforted by those who are around me...and comforted that they will also die like I will. It's too soon for me to write about whether I believe in Heaven or not, but I do have a strong sense that those I've lost, I will see again. At least knowing I share the same fate as the people I love makes dying less scary. I used to lie in bed as a kid and just freak out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to die one day. I just couldn't figure it out. Life was too big to think it wouldn't always be around me.

What brings people to such a choice? I was preoccupied with death a lot in college...but never got to the point where I could see it as a reality.

Back to reading.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I feel certain (almost always) that we will see our loved ones again, or that this is not it. I do not believe in a "Heaven" that only certain people make it to.

But contemplating the moment of death terrifies me. I worry it would be hard, like falling asleep when you're thinking about it, or like trying to pee when someone else is right there. Falling into the unknown is very frightening to me.

I have considered suicide, and have not attempted it but have consciously made reckless decisions because I did not care what happened. I feel so relieved that, at the moment, I can't imagine how someone could kill him or herself.