Hauntings....

I woke up thinking about someone that I'll never speak to again...but with whom I had a very interesting relationship with for a short amount of time. I felt foolish remembering the details and how I acted during that time. I'm constantly haunted by my Chicago life. I was surrounded by fun, smart and amazing people and it was probably the worst time in my life. I'm still in contact with most of my friends there...but I'm convinced their idea of me and the real me are very different things. I was so heavily medicated during that time...I couldn't even see straight. I was manically depressive and flirtatiously crazy. I had many step in to help me out...giving me hand when I needed and no doubt they were not thanked appropriately. Now that I have Z, I shudder at the legacy of my 20s. I was completely unaware of my surroundings and the gifts I was given. I was literally dazed and confused. It's embarrassing. Even those I spent time with for 6 months in Cincinnati...ugh. All of these people who came into contact with the Valerie that was desperately trying to find herself in the fog.

The fog has cleared now and I feel almost boring. My "over the top" personality at times is now low key and quiet. I miss my friends. I miss the times I had in Chicago and wish I would have been the person I am now, then. To be able to really enjoy the opportunities I was given...to really connect to the people I was around. I never really connected at any deep level. I was floundering. I was an extremely lonely and ashamed individual. I'd love to reintroduce myself to some people in my past life. I'd love to be more of a friend to them. I'd love to feel as if my time there was something people grew from. Chicago is where I had to learn to swim. And it took me a long time. Moving to Rochester was something I had to do in order to crawl out of my old skin. I sit around and think about old friends. I see their doings on Facebook and miss all of the constant get togethers. To be in such a big city as a lost soul...it's a wonder I didn't get into more trouble. I was in such a constant battle with myself and my insecurities. I need to let it all go. I need to let Z grow from those experiences. Rochester is quiet. We are all alone out here...and there is time to reflect. There's also a chance for me to grow in a way I couldn't anywhere else. In Chicago, I was hanging out with very bright, very ambitious people. Everyone seemed to know where they wanted to go except me. I felt as if I was looking up the entire time...jumping up and down in order for people to see me. Ugh. It's hard to find your way. I look at Z now. A blank slate. She only has her life to look forward to--and she can make it anything she wants. That's amazing to me. She will learn from my mistakes...and from her own.

So, I send my love out to old friends...and to those who helped me...and those who may not have a real grasp of who I am now, but were kind to the person I was then...


pic of me in 2005...


.