Bigger

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

John's lyrics. I was listening to them today--I feel like he could have gone deeper with his meaning. I feel bigger than my body. My mind has always been too big for my head. My heart, as well. My heart is something that I feel has time travel capabilities. I feel love from past, present and future. I wake from dreams feeling things I felt 20 years ago. I spend time dwelling in those feelings as if I'm marinating in them to feel younger and more alive. I'm a romantic of the worst kind because I'm a movie lover. My romantic life is mostly in my head and always has been. I create scenarios for my life. I live out fantasies of the crazy sort with my husband in my head. It would be impossible to keep up. I've always created an outer layer of beautiful paint strokes of the men I've loved. When I look back on them...they are all beautiful colors (with the exception of one). I love where my heart has been...where by body has been. I love that I've been loved more than once and in different ways. I hope Z has these experiences. I hope her first love shakes her to her core and gives her a lifetime of joy and wonder when she looks back on it. I hope she knows how it feels to be adored and lusted after. I've done my share of lusting and loving. My heart has always been huge and ready to open. I obsessed over boys at a young age--not that I was ever noticed until much later. I created mix tapes and wrote journal entries dedicated to boys that thought of me only as a friend. I've always been in love with love. It's really the best thing. The feelings that rush over you, the ones you can't control. In my past life I was a poet. I'm convinced of this. I probably spent my life falling in love and just spending my life in it. I created out of it and probably died from a broken heart.

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