Father knows best

I'm writing without having my house cleaned. I think I'm growing. Each night, I try to pick it up so it looks like new again before another day wrecks it. Normal people would look past it all and enjoy their lives. I've developed OCD, I'm convinced. Jason's birthday was yesterday and I focused so much on the meal being perfect that I was yelling at him to eat. I find myself a bit snippy at him lately. I think I'm just frustrated. My environment isn't in order and there are many things to do before we go on our 9 day New England trip. My mom is here...that's been nice. We run the errands together and find silly things to laugh about. Some of our giggles remind me of being little girls--not that I ever knew my mom as such. She'll be here all month.

While we were in KS, Z ran a temperature for about 5 days. On the 5th day, it spiked to 103.8, so we took her to the doctor. They couldn't find anything wrong with her. Today, the 3rd lab test revealed that she had a very rare bacteria. They didn't know what it was or what to do about it. ??? Uh...ok. They referred me to my pediatrician. It's called Stenotrophomonas Maltophilia. Does anyone know what this is? I Googled it and I couldn't even comprehend was I read. I'll call our doctor tomorrow. It doesn't sound good. The information I did find was pretty yucky. hmmm...more to come on that.

I think my "bi-polar" issues in college are reappearing in this OCD thing. I'm really focusing on strange things. I obsess about things I can't change. I feel as if it all has to look right--everything neat and tidy and clean. As soon as Z leaves one play area, I have to pick it all up and put it away even though she might be back there in an hour or two. I'll get over this, right? This is just a new mom thing? I can't keep up with it all. I'm exhausted. I have to cook meals, clean, be a happy-perfect mommy, clean, feed, play, decorate, look cute, do my hair, clean--etc EACH day. That's fucked up, right?

I keep reflecting on my trip. It was good. I spent it mostly with my father and step-mom. I don't usually do that. I usually split time between the families. I'm really the only one that does this out of my family. Wendy doesn't worry about it and Mandi and Eric aren't close to their dad. I'm the one overly concerned about EVERYONE'S feeling and making sure I spend time appropriately. It sucks. Let's be real. Yes, I'm very happy I have a good relationship with both parents, but it's exhausting. Plus, if your siblings don't view things the same way, they just don't get it. My father said probably the nicest things he's ever said to me during this trip. (I barely spoke to him in my 20s and made myself mentally ill over trying to be the person he wanted me to be.) Well, my years of mental illness paid off!! He seems to really like me now. I just had to marry the "perfect man", move to a beautiful state, have a nice house, have a happy baby, look slender and have my hair straightened. Seems to have worked. Oh, I also have to master small talk and never get too deep into conversations about feelings. This how I see it. It's probably not like it at all. I'm sure I invented a lot of it. He probably liked me all along. Right?