T minus 3 days.

I'm headed to Kansas on Thursday. Z and I will be there for 2 weeks after J leaves us on Sunday. I would like to say I'm looking forward to the visit, but I'm anxiety ridden and grumpy today. Last time I came back from there I was horribly depressed for 2 weeks and Jason wasn't happy. I know he's already dreading it. "Maybe we can change the flight and you can just come back early." I think it's sweet that he worries. Maybe this time will be different. Z is a joy to be around--how could people get cranky when she's around? How could they bring up things that aren't good to talk about...or keep commenting on how they didn't think I'd be a good mom when I was in my 20s. Uhhh...I WASN'T a mom in my twenties!! Such a strange thing to say. Or how about telling me what a disappointment I was to my grandparents whom I adored. Or yelling at me when I'm trying to help--cursing at me and making me feel as if I'm totally not welcome. St. John is a town full of good memories. I loved high school, I loved my friends, I loved falling in love there. It's a place that could be a magical place to visit...but it isn't. It's full of stress. Things have changed. My house has changed. My town is smaller, the businesses are gone, the kids are cruel and annoying. I'm going to go on lots of walks, I can tell. I'll remember old times and tell them to Z. I'll wish my friends were home--all of them in the homes they had in the early 90s. I'll wish that I'd been more mature...that I would have stood up for myself more, that I didn't turn back into an awkward teen at the first sound of annoyance in my direction. I'll leave thinking I won't be back for some time.

Or--it'll be swell. Everyone will be loving and happy to see us. The conversations will be uplifting and hopeful. I'll love it. Z will feel at ease and happy. I'll be so happy I went. Everyone will have gotten over their past baggage and rudeness and it'll be almost movie-like. I'll hear background music everywhere I go.