We leave in an hour. Not sure when I'll be able to blog next. I'm hoping the flight goes okay with Z. I'm a nervous flyer...very nervous. I found two Valium from a bit ago and felt like I'd won the lottery. I think that's too strong to be with it, so I can't go that route. Z's been whiny this morning. Not sure what that's about. She's been very tired lately. She must be growing...and wondering what's wrong with her mom. I was thinking this morning as I was doing my hair...that the stories I wrote in college (I was a creative writing major) have the same characters in them that I'm about to see. My teacher, after reading the first story, said if the characters were real that he wanted me to stick with them and spend the entire 2 years in his class. So, I did. I have 4 stories of my crazy family. I found some humor in that fact. Maybe I should write another short story when I get home.
Z isn't giving up, I need to reassure her about her life and how things are going to be fine and how much I love her. (Or, she'll do that for me)
Later----
As I was frantically cleaning so J comes home to a clean house, I was thinking..."Cleanliness next to Godliness"---no. It's next to Craziness. I clean to stay calm. My years past of being a slob (which people constantly remind me of) makes me feel as if I have a clean house, then I'm fine. That's fucked up, right? TOO clean of house makes you look like you have no life and that you have control issues. I do have control issues. Clean it, make it clean...then you have purpose, people won't judge you, people won't find you a mess...people will see that you've changed. The truth is...it just reminds me that I'm still a bit off. (But aren't the best and most interesting people a bit off???)
1 comment:
Oh, I relate to your last paragraph, about cleaning/being a slob and feeling like you are okay if your house is clean enough.
Wondering how your visit is going. Have fun!
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