Sometimes I'm just too much.

I decorated the loft. It's very earthy. I found some great tin trees and suns at Big Lots (yes, Big Lots) and now the loft looks very cabin like. I enjoy it. However, it has cabin like heat as well. It's almost 90, not too bad. It rained a little but the weather man says the big storm is coming. I worry about the 3 babies in the nest. They are doing pretty well. I think it's 2 girls and a boy. They've been trying to keep cool but tonight, I worry the rain and wind will be too much for them. There's nothing I can really do about it but worry.

I cut my hair and dyed it pretty dark. I keep reinventing myself with my hair. It's a little too short, but it'll grow and it'll make the time between the visits longer. My hair has been about every color. Having a baby on my hip makes me feel invisible. People coo and such, but I'm seen as another mother. That's a strange thought to have. I know this. I have issues. I have to look cute and have funky hair in order to feel seen. I HAVE ISSUES!!!

Please God, don't have me try to live out the "pretty girl" fantasy with my daughter. She's pretty and I can tell she's going to continue to be. I went through an ugly girl phase for YEARS. It was just awful. The glasses, buck teeth and frizzy hair just didn't work for me. The experience scarred me. Thus, I must try to do as much with my hair and my appearance to this day. I'm 35 and feel as if I'm entering Jr. High each time I step out into the world.

I want to be 50. At 50, it seems women start to have a sense of who they are and they stop giving a shit about what other people think. They are calm and collected and they just live. I want to be this way. I've always cared too much about the thoughts of others. My insecurities are tied with my passions as well. I'm just a feeler in every way. If you dig a girl like that, it's cool. If you are someone who is more laid back and romance takes a backseat to "real life", I am tiring.

I should have listened to my gut in college. I should have stuck with the film route. They are all self involved people. They all can recreate themselves and constantly fall in love over and over and over. I can't act...but I could direct I feel.

CUT.