Becoming New

On the days where I feel a little far from my center--meaning, the day is gloomy and I don't feel like myself, I try to close my eyes and remember certain days in my life when I felt --for lack of a better phrase--more alive. I think we all do this. I do it when I feel particularly boring or when my day drags along. I transport myself to a time when life was crisp, as if it was literally created just left of my gaze and I saw and felt it all at its brightest. Yes, that's dramatic. It's how I felt. When I want to feel more free--I think of my trip with my friend Lisa to San Francisco. I remember seeing the Golden Gate bridge...and it took my breath away. We were alone, together. Both of us on a journey and it just felt like we were the only people I cared about existing. Lisa was actually there during another moment in time that I like to return to. I met her in London when she was there during a surreal time in both of our lives. I think about that week a lot. I went to Liverpool and walked around the same places Paul and John had and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt. I was so depressed when the day was done, I was almost inconsolable. Part of me knew that THAT was the happiest I'd ever be...and it was over.
But then Zoë was born. I think of that day all of the time. I just did...which spurred this post. I think of how strong I felt. I was so much stronger than I ever though I could be. It was magical. Jason and I say that all of the time. She was born and we were forever changed. It wows me.

I do miss simpler times. I miss the feeling of only new things on the horizon instead of a lot of memories to wrestle with. I miss the promise of what things COULD be. At times, now, even at 35, I feel as if I know what my life will be. That's so not right. I don't know. And, I think that that feeling is what prompts women to become more interesting later in life. Women have that ability to just become more wise and cool as time moves on. (At least the women that I think about in order to know it's possible.)

Life can be new any time we want it. We just have to see it that way. When you're in your comfy clothes and your body isn't as firm as it once was and your child doesn't seem to hear you OR see you and you realize that you felt good about yourself that day because your house got clean--you forget that. You forget that you can still be interesting and new.