Where I basically seem self obsessed.

The sun is casting shadows on the carpet and it puts me in a good mood. It's been so rainy. I'm sure I suffer from SAD. The tree by our bedroom door is budding. This is a good sign. Now, if we could just get the temperature to stay in the 70s.

I'm picking out pictures for books I'm making for my mom and niece as bday presents. Going through them all makes me miss them. Family is so tricky. Too much time with them and I get anxious about how what I see and how I want to make things better. Doesn't that sound condescending? It's more like wanting people to be happier. I always feel I know what's best for people...it's a fault. It's so easy looking in from the outside. Away from them, I feel lighter but long for them at the same time. It's screwed up. I enjoy being left out of a lot of family drama--but then feel like an alien. It's a codependency. I get sucked into it and feel ill. I think many of us feel like we are so different than our families. It's more like different experiences make for different realities. Of course, my life here in Rochester is more calm and relaxed, we only have one child and we have most everything we need close by. In small town Kansas, you deal a lot with gossip, monopolies and being on top of one another all of the time. Plus, you have to drive at least 30 minutes to get anything you need. A lot of frustration comes from a community that is almost TOO closely knit. You are pegged as a certain personality starting in HS and you aren't able to outgrow it. I do the same thing when I go back. The bullies in HS are ones I still don't go up and say hello to. Somehow, it's like you're stuck in time. It's not a fair assumption. When I see someone move geographically, I assume they've changed and grown internally. As if having left your childhood home creates a new person. That's a messed up mentality. It all has to do with me. How I perceive myself. I had to move in order to grow. I have lots of mental growing to do in order to stop seeing myself in everyone else. I'm so self involved. Gross.