Jane Fonda

I'm listening to her autobiography and feel like I'm in therapy. It's fascinating. I love to hear the voice of the author. (I experienced this with Rob Lowe's book as well.) Unlike Rob's book, Jane's is not light and fun--at least not so far. She digs deep into her childhood and faces demons of her mother and father. Growing up a Fonda wasn't easy. A particular part that I've really thought about is Jane's new understanding of her mother, years after her death. She spoke to friends of her mother and discovered papers her mother had written about her own childhood. Jane's mother spent time in a mental hospital during the last weeks of her life. While there, she wrote of her troubling childhood and it helped explain a lot to Jane about why her mother may not have bonded with her the way she needed. I feel that I've been really exploring my relationship with  my own parents and taking a deeper look at my own childhood in order to understand why I am the way I am. It is confusing. When you are so different than your family members, you seem to constantly look for reasons as to why. Why am I so expressive and wanting to know more and willing to ask the tough questions? My mom, dad and older sister are very reserved about their feelings. They don't share much. And they feel very uncomfortable with me asking any questions or wanting to talk about anything. My dad seems to almost run from me. My mom gets short with me and my sister just sits silently. Wendy doesn't discuss anything. She's very surface. At least she is with me. I have so many questions for her. I'd love to know her better. We seemed to be closer when she was in her early 20s. Now, we talk through Mom. If she wants to talk about anything, I don't know it. She's very bright and was the "chosen one" when we were growing up. She got the experiences of going on big trips that I didn't. She was the one everyone raved about--her beauty, her brains and her artistic quality. She's a very sweet person. She's very much like my dad in the way she thinks and organizes her thoughts. I feel like being sisters, I should feel more linked to her. The thing is, I feel like I couldn't be more different. I feel like an alien when I go home. I couldn't even tell you how she feels about me. I annoyed her greatly while we were growing up. I am 5 years younger and when you're in high school, it's a huge difference. She was just cooler. Now, I can't get a read on her. Is she happy? Does she like me? Is she still annoyed with me? I always resort to my teenage self when I'm around her. I have all the same insecurities. I'm sure many people feel this way about their family.

As I listen to Jane talk about her childhood with such honesty, I realize that I felt so connected and tuned in to her story...and that I was so comforted by it. Whereas many feel very uncomfortable with such brutal honesty, I've always felt horribly awkward around small chit chat. I loved listening to her talking about many things most don't. I felt like I was being taught about my own life. I felt like I was learning things about the way my own insides are put together.  I was so wrapped up in the book that I couldn't even work out anymore (I was trying to listen whilst biking at the gym) and found a couch to just sit and listen. It's been hard to want to do much else except listen to this book. I really  feel connected--almost in a trance. It's making me realize that the kind of writing that I normally do on here is uncomfortable for me. When I'm done with 99% of these posts I feel shallow. I'm happy I at least wrote something, but feel as if I wasn't authentic in any way.  I worry that I'm too deep and thinky. But I didn't feel Jane was at all. I've been thinking about writing a play. I now know it's going to be heavy. I try to be the light, and funny one so much of the time because that is what I feel people want. Yes I want to be a bright spot in peoples' lives, but I also want to write with as much honesty as I can. I learn when people dive deep into their own experiences and share what they've learned from them. Life is so difficult to navigate alone. I've always looked for guidance on how to do anything. Now, I feel I'm looking for guidance on how to process my own memories/experiences and how to use them to make me better. I'm enrolling myself into a class (created by me) where I listen to audio autobiographies read by the author. I want to sit with these people and listen to their journeys. I want to learn from their triumphs and mistakes. I just want to be able to feel as if I'm more connected into the deeper meaning of relationships and life.