Saying No to drugs...but don't feel like it.

I went to bed last night at 8pm. I woke up refreshed and started in on the day with such energy. I baked muffins, I vacuumed the entire house, I played with Z and then around 1pm, I was drained. I see it's about 4 mins until 8 and I could fall into bed. One of the hardest things about having a child later in life is that I really got used  your personal time. Now, I barely have any. Most of my friends don't have any at all--and haven't for years. This is so hard for me. I feel like the  most selfish person on earth. Now that I'm starting interests in so many different areas...I just want to learn all of the time. I guess Z is doing that as well. She is so loving and cuddly lately. She constant pulls my face into hers and kisses me...long and then rubs her hands on my cheeks affectionately. She's finally at the age where I feel her love. That's so cool. So, I'm not saying I'm not enjoying time with her. It's more like...ok, it's only 8...I want to have the energy to stay up until midnight and read, but it's not in me. I'm bushed. It sucks.

For this reason only...I understand the addiction to uppers. I've never taken them and wouldn't...but the idea of having energy instantly is a nice thought. I recently watched Limitless--a bad movie, but I said aloud, "well, illegal or not, I'd take that drug, no problem." I feel like I'm finding parts of my brain with cob webs on them and blowing them off. "Wow...how long have YOU been here??" Yet...I don't have time to take advantage of it.

This is a finite time and it will get better. These are the unselfish years...the child rearing years. And I only have one. Hmmm. We keep thinking about another. We lost one a few months ago. We just need to figure that whole situation out. But, I do think about whether I'm cut out for it. If I'm this tired with one...how the hell would I do two?? How the HELL are other women doing it??? This really makes me feel awful.