I'm back

Z and I got back from Kansas late Monday night. It's taken until now for me to get organized enough to write again. The trip was probably a little much for a 2 year old, but she kept up and although she was totally exhausted, she did very well 90% of the time. We had 2 major meltdowns. The biggest took place at the KC Zoo--where I didn't recognize her at all because she was out of her mind screaming and bawling and almost caused me to break down myself. My friend Lisa was cool as a cucumber and wasn't phased. (She has four kids.) Again, I am in awe of how she manages to seem so relaxed with 4 and I'm a anxiety freak with only one. Maybe after a second will give me perspective.

Perspective is something I always gain by going to Kansas. I see snapshots of my friends and families' lives and it's fascinating. Two of the friends I saw are suffering from severe health conditions. Neither of them were beat down by it. Both were upbeat and cracking jokes at their expense. They are not defined by their illnesses. They are real about it. They aren't in denial. They are just not going to be victims. I feel as if I fall victim to small things in comparison. It was a good lesson for me.

It always takes me weeks to fully decompress after being gone. I think about the experiences I had. I think about how each person deals with their lives. I think about how I would handle it in their situations. I think about how much we've all grown. I think about how we all got to the places we are. I think about the decisions we made early on and how they continue to affect us. (This is a lot of thinking) I suppose most people don't dive into the deep end of their friends' thought processes and lives. But, I've always learned most from other people and I almost analyze these observations as if I'm in a life class of sorts. I had moments of "oh yes...this is what it was like to be with you..." and "Why aren't I closer?" I expected those thoughts. The main thing that all of the families' I visited had in common was that life can be really hard. It can beat you down. The differences came in how each of them faced it. I do need to be stronger. I do need to be more positive and brave. I do need to understand that there are going to be times of great difficulty and if I give into it--I'm done. These aren't mind blowing observations--but to see it in real life  being played out was much better than reading it in some book. Some let the blows of life slowly shut down parts of their insides--others have let it blow them open and are more open to life than before. Some of the people I saw were dimly lit. Others burned bright with hope and resilience. I want to be an example of the latter.

Some are just better at life than others. Some just bounce back better. Some just have some great wisdom that comes from nowhere--they were born with it. We all can change. I can change. I spend time with these people and it makes me want to be a better person. I suppose I hide out in NY somewhat. But, it's easier for me to process it all from far away. I didn't appreciate my friends as much when I was geographically closer to them. I took the lessons for granted.

I continue to find more things in myself that I need to fix than what I'm satisfied with. I'm happy with the fact that at least I recognize them.