Nora

Nora Ephron died yesterday and I am so shocked and saddened. When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. It keeps me company when I am lonely. It cheers me up when I am sad. I put it on when I want to spend time with friends--Harry and Sally.

I read her books and love her movies. She was fantastic. I feel like a friend passed away.

Barf.

The pg hormones are getting the best of me today. I feel a bit off kilter. I want to cry. I'm horribly frustrated about many things. It's a day where I should be sent to an island away from other people. The world would be a better place if there was that type of option. If you're having a bad day and you know it...you could choose to leave and not spill over into the happy people.

I'm betting this feeling will go away in an hour or so. Former bi-polar-ness helps with the diagnosis.

My niece is "dating" someone. ugh. I'm not ready for this time of life. She is 17 and boy crazy. The boy she picked is...nice in the Kansas sense of the word. He's religious, he's republican, he's a bit full of himself. He is older by 2 years and in college. College people should date college people. Leave the HS girls alone. (Could I sound more closed minded???) My first love was 4 years older...I'm a total hypocrite and I don't care. There is a world of difference between college and HS. I just don't want her to get serious. (Like I did) I want her to date for fun. He said to me, "I don't date for fun...I only date if I can see a possible future with that person." I think he thinks that adults want to hear this stuff. I wanted to barf. SERIOUSLY?? At 19?? Geesh people. Have some fun. Kiss some people and keep it relaxed. This is the Kansas way as well. Too serious...too soon. Everyone wants to get married in their early twenties--or at 20. UGH.

See, I'm not in a good mood. I don't like boys. I don't like messes today. I don't like hormones. I'm not real fond of myself today.

Thursday...

HOT.

Z and I are headed next door to the pool in about 15 mins. I'm thrilled for the pool day--but the only suit I have is the one I got for my honeymoon. Least to say it doesn't fit. I looked like a stuffed sausage! I have a cover up I don't plan on taking off. My new one is suppose to arrive today. COME ON FED EX!!!

Z looks adorable in her suit. Geesh. I miss the younger years of the lake and the pool when I lived in my swimming suit and flip flops. I was a fish...a tan one. I miss skiing and camping and campfires and tents. (I miss being young and not worrying about cellulite.)

I'm thinking about taking another writing course. My playwriting course got sidetracked by early pregnancy sickness. I'd take a class about writing about your life. It looks so therapeutic. It's probably a class full of bleeding hearts, but oh well. It's a way of getting some cheaper therapy.

I spent some time this morning sweeping the front steps. Our bat continues to shat all over. It's gross. I like the idea of it finding shelter here...just wished it was a bit more tidy.

cabin fever

It is hotter than hell out. Not as hot as it can be in Kansas...but for Rochester, it's hot. It hit 100 on my thermometer. We're headed to the neighbors to swim in the morning. If you can, you should always move next door to someone with a pool--that way you don't have to do anything with it, but then you can be invited to pool parties.

I should get preggo swim suit tomorrow. I am going to get sun this summer. I may be a whale, but I am sick of being white. I did buy 70 SPF though today.

Father's day was nice. We went to the beach for the day. I sat in a chair and was deadbeat mommy while they played. (Bitch session--) My back is killing me and I'm exhausted and I'm big. Ok, that's enough. October seems a long time away.

I want someone to come dye my hair and give me a mani pedi. I'd also like teeth whitening and a massage. Is this too much to ask?

Our trip to Lake Placid is very soon. I'm clinging to it. I love it there. It is beautiful. I just want some new scenery soon.

A margarita would be heavenly.

Well, after two housebound days, I got Z out yesterday to an indoor playground. We'd never been there before. She LOVED it. She's totally unaware of her age or size and plays on everything the big kids do. Even if the step is up to her chest, she spends the time (about 15 minutes) to figure out how to get up and go. After she mastered the technique, she was everywhere in that place. She is not afraid of anything and does not look to me for help. She is so independent--more than I am.

Today we have Little Gym. It forces me to get out. I'm really not such a home body all of the time. But pregnancy is bringing out all my blueness. I keep complaining on here thinking it will all bleed out.

It is gorgeous out. Sunny--high of 70. I cleaned up the upstairs and vacuumed. Nicole, our nanny, is coming today for a couple of hours. I  have errands to do and Z is VERY happy about it. I always liked my babysitters as a kid. I hid from them right off the bat and they found me when they came in. I still remember that.

I am ready for guests and family members. I think they will take my mind off of myself. I tend to get horribly self centered. I am going to reach out to the two moms that gave me their info today though. I will!! I would like someone to go to the beach with.

Whining a bit.

Today I miss having a desk job. I'm not so great at the stay at home mommy thing. Z will soon go to a preschool 2 days a week and I feel she will thrive there. I'm looking forward to the baby. I'm wondering if my pregnancy is part of the problem--the sickness, the fatigue, the blahness. I make sure I am extra sweet to Z--but I should also probably try to work on activities for her and such. I'm a home body right now. I have no energy.  My other thought is that I need to network more. I've had two moms give me their number so we can hang out and I haven't done anything about it. I'm like a bad date. I should rally. I should get more friends. I should stop being such a loner.

The rain is pouring down today. Yesterday, it was sunny and hot. I actually got some sun! I ordered a couple of swim suits for my rounding body yesterday. We'll see if that gets me going to the pool. Am I depressed? I don't feel it....not really. Hmmm. Is this just the hormones?

I think I'll clean and check back later. I'm not feeling a 100% fun.

ok, I'm back (5 mins later)
I think a good idea for me is that I need to have more of a structured day. I need to plan it out...say, 9-9:30 work on letters, have a set time for reading books, have a set time for coloring, etc. Set it up like a work day. Maybe that would help me stay on task. I could have a set time when I clean and a set time when I work with Z on things.

Am I over thinking this???

Is the art of conversation lost?

We are all too busy. It's my thought of the week. Maybe we always have been? It was topped off by Jason rushing out the door this morning for a week in San Fran and didn't have time to say goodbye. He's apologized many times over the phone and text since...but it did hurt my feelings. Of course, he also had a major conversation with his sister over text yesterday when I felt it should be over the phone. I am not upset with him...but the world in which we live now allows those who are uncomfortable with certain conversations to text and not have to deal. Jason cuts himself off from the world at times--as we all do. I dive into a book or a movie and don't come up for air sometimes. We escape into what's comfortable for us. But, before TV and computers and cell phones...didn't people HAVE to talk to one another? They wrote letters, talked on the phone or just went to see that person. High Schoolers text--they don't talk. It's so odd to me. My friendships are based on LOTS of talking and note passing. I memorized their handwriting. It was a part of them. I memorized their phone numbers. I still have them memorized. Does anyone know anyones phone number anymore?

We are getting away from it all. And it's only going to get worse. I've thought about disconnecting from FB. I haven't decided. I'm just hormonal and thinking very deeply into everything.

I got an email today from one of my dearest friends who I haven't spoken to in months. It was nice to hear she was thinking of me...but I was still upset that we hadn't talked. Is this just a busy time of our lives--the child bearing years? I'm not sure. It just makes me sad.

we are all too damn busy

Cell phones and FB are convenient, yes--but they are taking away the meat of my friendships. It's my fault I let them. It's a fake closeness. No one TALKS on the phone anymore, they just text. No one sends letters much anymore...they send a message on FB. I think it's a great way for a mass announcement or mass support. But--for one on one, it sucks.

I miss my friends. I miss talking to them. I miss when life was less busy and we were able to just sit and talk for long periods of time. I'm just emotional and irritated. Some of my good friends I haven't heard from in such a long time...ARE WE REALLY THAT DAMN BUSY???!! life is too short. make an effort.

Let the sun shine in

There are days when we are not our best selves. But, fortunately, I have Z who holds up a mirror. I was cranky and awful this morning--horribly tired and nauseous. But, she is resilient and told me it was ok. She laughed, "wow mom...you really are tired." She found it funny and I felt foolish.

The sun burst through today after days of gray. I needed it.

Sometimes I become so focused on myself and how I'm feeling, I forget the hell others go through. My friend just lost both her parents in a car accident this past weekend and SHE is really going through something awful. I need to remember that I'm going to get through whatever crap I'm feeling--but my little family is doing well.

And the sun is shining.

Just heard some horribly sad news.

Some have too much sadness and shock in their lives. It's just inconceivable.
Love those around you the best you can.

Evergreen

Rain again today. It rained all weekend as well. We focused on our in-door jobs and got some things accomplished. Our closet is now somewhat organized. It's been a disaster for months. Just awful. I was pretty out of it yesterday. Woke up sick and it never quite went away. Saturday I wasn't sick at all. Finicky baby.

Been talking to some friends with lots of changes going on in their lives. Our life seems somewhat slow out here. I'll take it. I feel as if I'm sometimes in the audience watching others' lives roll out. I watch their ups and downs. I think about them. I cry for them. I think about how much was going on with them in the past years when I was checked out. Today is a day for reaching out. There are a couple of friends that have a hard time ever contacting me. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've had this role. Some I've let go. Some I refuse to let go.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married on a cruise ship somewhere near the Bahamas. Weird. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the day more instead of freaking out so much. We need to go do it again someday. Our day/week is busy, so I'll write him a letter and we'll celebrate when we have time. I'm fine with that.

Yesterday, I found a box of old emails and such. They were all from 1998-99. I actually printed a TON out from different people and put them into a 3 ring binder. Reading them was sort of surreal. It was good to see how creative I was--and reminded me that I need to do more creative writing. It was nice to see that most of the people (all except for 1), I'm still in constant contact with. I was 23. A romantic and idealist and very emotional. Not a lot has changed. Z will get a kick out of reading them one day. I have a feeling she will be more mature than I was then. (it wouldn't be hard) But, I had good friends and had lots of good times. My life is a full one.