My little sister was here over the weekend. I love having people visit. But the feeling my heart feels when they leave...I could do without. It is a familiar feeling. It seems like it ages you. Or, maybe it just exercises the muscle. Ups and downs...being excited...feeling loss. Do you ever feel like you question yourself as to why you act a certain way? Do we force ourselves in certain directions? Do we go to extremes to save ourselves...from ourselves? I constantly question why I don't live in Kansas when so many I love live there. Why live clear out here where I really don't know many at all. Most of my support network is in one place. I think it is sad that I distance myself from a time of life instead of realizing that I can grow and be who I am now without worrying about becoming "that person" again. I feel good here in NY. My babies were born here...Jason and I are a little unit and we are away from some of the toxic relationships in our lives. Maybe this is just how it is...the feeling of missing people. Maybe I should just be happy that people want to visit. I should focus on the time spent instead of time lost.
Maybe it's just the weather turning gray. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder. Christmas lights are coming...the girls are beautiful and happy...
I'm just exhausted today and I miss people.
I can just hope for more visitors.
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