God. I just don't get it.

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends lost her father in a freak accident while fishing. She'd lost her brother when she was a teenager.

This is just another example of "what the hell is going on?" in my belief in God. Do I still believe? Yes. It is a different belief than the Christian belief, but I still believe. I just don't understand. I know people doubt all of the time. I know that I'm not the first and won't be the last to think--well, he must be "up there" but can't control a damn thing. How many people do I currently know are struggling in horrible depression, sickness, physical pain, poverty or loss? Many. It's true for the entire world. I know this. Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to seeing a lot more of what others go through. I was pretty damn selfish and self involved before. It seemed as if I was sad for people, but now I just feel overwhelmed by what they are going through. I wish I could help in some way. I wish I could pay the bills of my friends that are struggling. I wish I could nurse friends back to health. I wish I could just be there to hold the hands of people who are in pain.

I have close friends who are atheist. I understand where they are coming from. Jason is almost there. I think he's agnostic at this point. I used to be agnostic. I don't know why I'm not now. There is just something in me--faith?

We are not church goers. In fact, going to church freaks me out and I never feel comfortable there. I never really have. It doesn't bother me that other people go, I just don't want to. If the girls want to go--I will go with them. We will eventually take them to different kinds of churches so they can see what it is all about. We won't be raising Godless children...but I won't be pushing them into a particular faith either. I want them to believe in God. I think it could be comforting to them. Yet, when awful things happen...as they often do daily, you just continue to think--WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING???

My life is good. I have lost loved ones, yes. But, I am healthy, the girls are healthy, we are doing well. I just feel like people keep falling around me and I need to do something. Cursing God isn't going to do anything. I do feel as if the people that die are there waiting for me. That's how I get through a lot of things. I literally picture loved ones and friends all sitting around talking, playing cards, eating...just smiling and will be there to welcome me to the party. This is a simple vision, but I don't care. I feel like friends will introduce themselves to my grandparents and they will tell fun stories. It gives me comfort.

I lean away from The Bible or strict religious teachings--they seem to separate people and judge them. They seem to do a lot of harm at times. People cling to them to almost hate other people. (not everyone, but enough) I believe Jesus was kind to everyone. At least that's my recollection. He didn't say, "now look in this book--it says you're not doing it right." I don't know. I just want to treat others the way I'd want to be treated--I think he said that, too.

I can't make sense of anything. I don't understand anything. I will just continue to be as kind to people as I can. I will continue to do better in how I treat people. I will try to enjoy each day for what it is. I will try to comfort the best way I can.