Monday, April 22, 2013

Not a teenage dream. At all.

So, one of the reasons I'm headed back to KS in May is for my 20 year class reunion. I've been to all of the other ones and it is...an interesting experience. I love seeing my girlfriends, but I struggle being back in SJ at times. Even though I loved my HS years, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. Whenever I go back, those feelings come back. I find myself hiding out at my parents house and keeping away from people in the TINY grocery store.

In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.

I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)

Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.

I hate that reality.

So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.

Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.

No comments: