Complicated and annoying.

I sit here, tired and wanting a nap. It isn't even noon yet. I slept decently last night. I think I'm in a bit of an escape mode. Been going to therapy with Jason and it sure makes you dig up a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily want to deal with. He goes to it like it's a class. He takes notes. He writes them up, edits them and prints them out. Sort of cute, I think. I go and listen and talk. I take nothing in. I don't write about it at all. I sit with the thoughts a lot. They make me tired.

Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"

I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.

Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.

BLEH.