I've been avoiding this

I haven't blogged forever. I know. I feel like I've been avoiding it. I've been filled with too much conflicting emotion and worried about being too negative. I think it's a low spot. The girls are always my high point--though I have my days when I feel like another mom needs to check in so I can rest and be a better me. I am tired...yet everyone is. I feel as if I can't own my own issues. I know everyone has them...therefore it makes me feel like a wimp to deal with my own. Someone out there is always tougher, smarter, more equipped than I am. I want to be good at it. I want to be better than I am.

Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm  just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.

Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.

My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.

I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?

See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.