you mock my pain.

I'm finding it hard to be consistent here. Having the blues makes you want to hide away from the world a bit and not pull people into your oh woe is me-ness. But I'm forcing myself to reach out today. The trees are starting to really pop. Yesterday was good. Z and I decorated for Halloween. We have lights with sound effects (thunder and lightening!) and lights that licker like lanterns. It's cool. Z calls one of the rooms "the spooky forest" because we have a 4 ft. black gnarly tree that is wrapped in lights. We embrace all of the ghouls here. Except, that I can't even watch scary movies if I know J will be gone due to my over active imagination.

Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)

I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.

The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."

My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??

The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.