I need color outside for just a while longer before it is cloaked in white. But, I am looking forward to that, too. I constantly look forward or backward. I struggle with today. It's as if I'm holding onto a rope and pull up toward something (I don't know what) and look back and think, "wow, I'm only that far?" What a dim look at life. I have waves of happy...and waves of not so happy. Thus, the way everyone goes about it, I suppose. God I sound depressing.
Sometimes I feel as if the people who glide through life without thinking too much have it figured out. I think too much about everything. I dive deep into the meanings of each day. I think too much about the thoughts of others as well. I pick apart relationships in my head. I go over and over conversations I've had with people wondering if it could have gone better. ?? It is a frustrating and tiring way of existence. I bring things to attention. I don't do well with ignoring tough situations. I bring them up to people and it makes them uncomfortable. I cause people to ponder whether they can mentally handle time with me or not. OR they don't and I've just created all of it. The friends of mine that are naturally thinkers and ponder-ists have no issue. It's the people who just want to not think about much and think I'm making things harder by dealing with it. I guess they may be right.
There are issues that need to be dealt with--and it frustrates me to NO END when I'm forced to table it so I don't ruin the relationship.
Well was that vague enough?!
I've been watching some documentaries that have me thinking even more! So that doesn't help.
However, I REALLY recommend those who WANT to dive in to that stuff. They are about family and how you see things as a child vs as an adult. The REAL things parents are thinking, doing and feeling that aren't aware of as children. As an adult...and married with children of my own, they really struck a cord with me.
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