Saturday, October 19, 2013

I think lesbian call girl sounds better.

When I had my weekend away 3 weeks ago, I said I was going to write every day. Clearly, that didn't happen. I constantly make rules for myself that I break. It's annoying. No one knows about them except me--and now, you, but still. Time gets away from me.

The gym training is going very well. I'm so much stronger than I was when I started. It's amazing how quickly your body responds. I lost my spare tire. I just need to wipe out the cellulite, but I don't believe that is possible. damn.

Harper turns 1 tomorrow. I can't believe it. She is about the sweetest thing. Always smiling and happy. She has her moments when she is hungry or tired, but otherwise, she is just so good. She is starting to sign now. She can sign milk, more, eat and nap. She can stand and walk with assistance but she isn't quite walking yet.

This is such a random post. It's more of a catch up.
I finished The Killing (all 3 seasons) on Amazon--really loved it. It is so dark though. Linden, the main character is so flawed and brave. She is a different breed of woman from me. I find it so interesting to see how we can all dive into such dark places in our minds--and how we survive them.
I watched a movie the other night, Concussion, that is not for everyone. I loved it, but I focused more on what compelled the main character to go through her journey. She is a lesbian in a marriage that seems to have dulled by jobs and children. She is lonely and bored with her existence. She decides to become a (for lack of a better word) prostitute. She is only with women. It's is a very Pottery Barn way of going about it. All of her clients are beautiful. They meet tin a chic apartment that she has redone as a side project. The whole things seems unrealistic. However, her thought processes and such were fascinating to me. I told Jason that I identified with her--"You identify with a lesbian prostitute? Hmmm." Yeah, I can see how he might not get it. You had to be there, I guess.

We are seeing Gravity tonight in 3D IMAX. I'm excited! Next weekend we're going to see The 39 Steps at Geva. That one is the one I'm really excited to see. I love Hitchcock and Geva always does such a Broadway level job. I'm so impressed with them. I'd love to become part of that theatre somehow--behind the scenes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be...

It seems to me that I'm drawn to stories of very confused, lost women. Hmmm. That's concerning, right??

Friday, October 04, 2013

maybe i should buy a cape.

I have a fear of flying. Well, I get anxious about becoming anxious when flying. My face feels like tiny pins are sticking it and I feel light headed. It's always about the time before take off. I have more to lose now if things don't work out. I'm so excited for my weekend away, yet miss my girls already. I could have cried taking Z to Doodle Bugs this morning. I didn't, she wouldn't understand. It seems like at times all I want is some time to myself--but in the hours leading up to it, it feels like my heart is so heavy. Is this an unhealthy attachment to my children? Maybe. Oh well. Deep breath. They will be fine.

That's another one of my issues--I feel like anyone out of my sight is in danger of not coming back. I have MAJOR separation anxiety. Except it goes further...I'm fearful. I'm terrified of any type of accident. I really need to be seen about it. My anxiety is out of control.

I am a fearful person. It doesn't seem to match me at times, but I feel it is true. I've done a lot of brave/stupid things...but mostly, I'm clueless when I'm doing it. I'm trying to put this part of myself aside so that the girls don't see it. My mom is fear based it seems. She worries over everything. I feel like that causes the child to have anxiety...and the cycle continues.

Woman up. Right? You're right. I need to. I'm going to. As soon as I get out of this fetal position.

Thursday, October 03, 2013

I want someone to swing me around and show me beauty...

Spent the day trying to be productive. I was mostly successful. I leave for Chicago for the weekend tomorrow. A couple of days with dear friends to relax and not be a mommy or a wife. (well, you know what I mean.)

I am admittedly a better mommy than wife. I was a good girlfriend--I think. As a wife, I struggle to keep my independence and not fall into some type of 1950s style of life. Stay at home mom--I mean, hello!! It's hard not to feel less than in front of women that have children and work a full time job. Bravo to them. I love staying home with the girls, but it affects my mentality. I'm trying to paint a picture of a secure person who is cool with all of her decisions. I'm sweet and cuddly with my girls. I struggle with the sweet and cuddly wife thing. ?? I used to be the biggest mush. I think I second guess how J sees me--basically thinking I'm not that interesting most of the time, so how could he think so?

This is a therapy session folks, sorry.

Okay. I want to see Gravity. The movies are pouring out due to awards season and there is just not enough time!! #1stworldproblems.

Z is starting to like movies. She can sit and watch them over and over. This week it was Robin Hood (the Disney fox version) and The Wizard of Oz. I was a little shocked about that one, but the McD's toys spurred her interested.

Let's end with something happy.
This is my all time favorite movie.
And I feel like I need this type of experience right now...

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

you mock my pain.

I'm finding it hard to be consistent here. Having the blues makes you want to hide away from the world a bit and not pull people into your oh woe is me-ness. But I'm forcing myself to reach out today. The trees are starting to really pop. Yesterday was good. Z and I decorated for Halloween. We have lights with sound effects (thunder and lightening!) and lights that licker like lanterns. It's cool. Z calls one of the rooms "the spooky forest" because we have a 4 ft. black gnarly tree that is wrapped in lights. We embrace all of the ghouls here. Except, that I can't even watch scary movies if I know J will be gone due to my over active imagination.

Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)

I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.

The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."

My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??

The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.