At 39, I feel no more put together than I did as a kid. I felt that my anxieties about family and friends would go away. That I would be stronger and more confident. That I would have built a life of my own and not feel as if I were so emotionally tied to my family....since I felt they were a source of stress for me. I know that many people feel this way about their families...but my chest still caves in at the thought of conflict. If I feel that people are upset or distant...I feel out of balance. I have anxiety attacks. I was co-dependent for such a long time...and although moving helped that...it didn't cure me of this feeling. My family (with the exception of my step sister) doesn't talk or really address their feelings. They tend to ignore major events that cause trauma and move on as if the mountain will look smaller the further they get from it. "See...it wasn't that big..." Time does not heal all wounds. With some people they become calloused and numb with time. With me, I feel as if things just fester, blister and cause a chronic, painful abscess.
Growing older has been great--with finding Jason and having the girls. It's been great to meet the friends I have and creating life long experiences that I can share with them. It's been nice to make some type of shape to my life. From the outside looking in, I think my life looks great. My facebook pictures portray a happy me.
And it isn't that I'm not. I guess I thought I'd be more secure. I thought I'd have more direction. I thought I'd be less insecure and full of anxiety about what others think. Inside, I feel as if I'm still in grade school. I feel as if I am still trying to get more love and attention from my parents. I feel as if my older sister and I are not close--thinking years would change that fact and it hasn't seem to. In a way, she and my dad are so similar. I feel they are both good people. They are kind to me...and they like me--but they find it difficult to be around me and don't have any desire to be close to me. My dad sees my girls once a year.
Okay, I did move away. And as I've felt a lot of times in my life...I wonder if I moved away to see if anyone would come see me. That's a childish way of looking at it all. As if they only saw me because I was within reasonable reach...and now that it takes some effort...it's not worth it. Did I do all of this to prove myself right? To give myself a reason to feel left out of things and to confirm (unfairly) that my original feelings were correct? My family seems to think that since I moved away--I put the boundary in place. As if it was a tactical maneuver to live away from them--and therefore, they feel rejected. ??? I'm so whacked out about this.
Some of my friends come off so strong. They have a "take no shit" attitude. They make healthy choices with their lives. They seem SO MUCH stronger than I do. I still feel like a weakling emotionally. I really hate it. I especially hate it for my girls. I need to get it together so that they don't learn bad habits from me and grow up feeling nervous and insecure about things. What is it going to take??
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