I was going to reread my post from last night and decided not to.
Today was a new day and I unplugged my brain a bit. Yesterday I was desperately floundering. I will say that Jason said some things last night that helped put things into perspective. The heaviness is gone in my chest. I didn't give him enough credit. I don't normally talk to him when I'm feeling a bit crazy...worried that he'll be disappointed or annoyed for some reason. ?? Like I'm his girlfriend and not his wife. WTF? I have issues. Anyway, he kept seeing me sneak off and have phone conversations with friends and I think his feelings were a bit hurt. "You are talking to them about how you're feeling? Why aren't you talking to me?" I told him I really didn't think he'd understand. I told him a few thoughts and he whipped into "You are looking at this ALL WRONG!" mode. I won't go into the point by point discussion we had where he basically disproved everything negative feeling I had about myself...but I will say that I felt loved. Today, I just feel relieved. Relieved that I have people I can talk to when I'm whacked. Relieved that one of them is actually in Rochester! (that took a while) Relieved that Jason is on my side. I think I put him vs me for some reason. Yesterday, EVERYONE was VS ME.
I just watched a show I taped on OWN about women and aging. Sharon Stone was on. She is now 56 and said that she really didn't have peace with herself until she was 50. Oprah seemed to agree with that. That was a relief as well. I was looking at 40 like I had 5 mins to pack up my things and take off in a plane or something and my room looks like a tornado hit it. Where's my bag? What clothes? Where am I even going?? Like I was TOTALLY unprepared to be who I was supposed to be. As if there is an alarm and when it goes off you can't grow anymore. You can't learn...you are done. Put your pencils down. I felt like I had to be a complete person by a certain time. I'm not sure where that feeling comes from. More therapy questions.
Today...Z was sick (it wasn't pretty...ugh.) and I took care of her. She got her bath tonight. She drank fluids and ate her crackers and she didn't have an episode after noon. I had to break Harper of her pacifier cold turkey because the dentist told me that it was ruining the shape of her mouth. She said I still had time for it to "grow out" and she'd be fine, but NO MORE PACIFIER. (Z had hers until she was 2 1/2 or something crazy.) So, Harper cried (sort of all day) out of frustration. As if she was in detox...I held her and tried to be as soothing as I could. She went to bed tonight...without even a whimper.
It was a good day.
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