I'm tired.

I keep saying I'm going to get better at this and I don't.

I keep thinking I'm going to be struck with something great to write about and I don't. Or I'm too exhausted to think about it. Or I'm wondering how my thoughts will come across. I have a million reasons why I'm not writing. Mostly, I think it comes down to fear. Fear of showing myself...and my real thoughts and being received as odd. By almost 40, I'm not sure why I care. And, I'm sad that I thought by 40, I wouldn't...still care.

I guess I should find comfort in the fact that I'm not satisfied with who I am. I happy that I'm not done working on myself. I might think about it too much, but then again...I do that anyway.

Rolling Stone posted a story about a guy who wrote about his film addiction. I definitely have one. I find myself wanting to watch a made up someone's life rather than live more of my own. It's tiring.

Short entries are better than no entry. Every time I feel like writing, I'm overcome with fatigue. ?? Complete exhaustion takes over and I just want to sleep. Denial? Fear? Laziness?

My 40th year I should spend writing each day. I'm 5 days behind. Great. See, I already feel defeated. I'm going to try. Really. Don't believe me, huh. Yeah, me either, but we'll see. Whatever comes out, comes out. Boring, weird, irrational or over emotional...it is what it is.


I saw The Imitation Game over the weekend. By the end, I just wanted to take a huge stance against all anti gay everything. By the end, I had tears streaming down my face and I was tired. Jason asked how I was...because  I wasn't talking...and he was trying to get me to order food..."umm...you look like you're needing some time or something." ha. I'm sure he gets freaked by my diving into a movie and practically drowning in my thoughts about it.

"I'm tired. Tired of it all...of all the bullshit...the anti gay shit. The WHOLE THING. I am. Tired of the fb shit. Tired of the religious shit. Tired of them not being able to marry. Tired of people who say it's a lifestyle choice. Tired of people who don't even know a gay person making statements about what they think. It's just so annoying...and I'm tired. Tired of getting mad about it...getting sad about it...tired of biting my tongue. Tired of trying to see everyone's view point. Tired of hearing how this or that says it's wrong. Tired of seeing things that make me embarrassed for the times we live in. Tired of judgement. Tired of ignorance. Fuck. When will this be over?!!! The fact that we still have such horrible race issues doesn't make me hopeful that it ever will be. As long as someone is different, they will be persecuted. It's gross and awful...and fucking tiresome.