Friday, June 05, 2015

sending out a flare

Hello again....I make promises and then I break them...saying I'm going to keep up on this and then I get horribly distracted. OR I feel that my emotional purge wouldn't be good reading. But, who am I to say. The summer has started for me. Z finished pre-school...geesh. She is growing at a rapid pace right now and I can barely keep up. At times she is an absolute dream of a child...I pat myself on the back...until she starts talking back to me and saying things that i would never dream of saying to my parents. On the nights after she's become demon like and I put her to bed...I am on Google, researching how I can redirect her...how I've screwed her up...if I can fix it. Which is my first problem. Thinking that I can fix anything...all I can do is not fuck it up any more. I've stopped screaming--because I used to...a lot. I've stopped taking it personally (hence the screaming) and understanding that pushing her away during her times of freak outs doesn't work...I pull her as close as I can now...and that seems to help. I'm like a cow squeeze machine. (look it up, it can really work.)

I am throwing my attention outward lately...which is good. Having other things to think about besides my own whacko thoughts about my anxieties and my feelings of worthlessness. is welcomed. I do feel that my gifts are more in being there for others rather than making a product or performing heart transplants. Someone out here has to be the person that says it's all going to be okay. And when I tell Zoe as I hug her...she seems to calm.

I want it for myself. I want a squeeze machine. I will see if I can find one on Amazon.

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