thoughts of the right now...

Overwhelmed. That was the feeling I had yesterday. Walking into my house that had a mess in almost every room. Messes made my the girls...Jason. Blankets all over the couch that they cuddled in. The dishes all over the kitchen that we all ate on and talked about our day. Clean clothes that I didn't get put away...how lucky they are to have so many. I thinned out the toys and the books. I need to thin out so much more. We have too much. It's embarrassing to me. At one time I could survive a week with 20 bucks. My car only needed 10 to get to my job and back and the rest went to bread and milk. I had pb and jelly at home. I dressed in the clothes that I had packed. I didn't buy new ones. I read the books I had. I wrote in whatever I had. Granted, it was a confusing time and I didn't have children...but it is horrible consumerism that took over my life. I sit here drinking Starbucks...the one I frequent to get out of my house and write. I enjoy the coffee and the people. I like that I know the baristas. Everyone one around me is either talking to someone very passionately...or two guys laid back and laughing. One man is like me...he is plugged into headphones and is banging away on his laptop with a very serious face. My face is more happy than anything. Curious. Wanting to take it all in. Life goes on no matter what you do at home. In the end, having everything just so doesn't matter.

I'm a writer because I write. I listened to a book about children yesterday--The Gift of Failure. Lisa recommeneded to me and it's blown my mind. But one point it made was if you over praise a child for a certain gift, say writing, the child will develope a fear or have anxiety about writing something that people will not like and that will make you average again. Once...you had a gift.  A gift that you need to just dive into and do-------------and I'm so afraid to fail.

This morning around 1, I was up because I went to bed around 9. Z was in my bed and I wanted to sleep next to her...plus I was exhausted--anyway, I found 2 playwriting seminar/ workshops that I was interested in.  If I complete something, I could get it to Geva and they could read it. I could have my work on stage. It is in me. I need to let it loose. I just need to know the basics. I think I'll dive in. At least I can say I tried...I will regret it if I don't.