Love is love...

Hi old friend. I've sort of been avoiding you. Writing can tend to stir up things I want to stay away from. The summer was quick and hard. It started out with my 9th anniversary...June 4th. The same day, my aunt and uncle were killed in a car accident. 2 of their granddaughters (recently graduated from HS) were in the back seat...they've had a really tough go, but are recovering. One is still in a lot of therapy. I feel for them. Their grandparents were their favorite people. I can relate.

I drove to KS with the girls--my mom and sister rode with me from ROC to CHI to KC to SJ. We visited Dustin. The trip didn't go as I'd planned. I wanted there to be more laughter. My mom was just so nervous and seemingly irritated the entire time, I felt it took away from the fun my sister and I could have had. It is so hard to see your parents get older and you miss the easy fun you used to have. Things are harder to understand...and our lives are so different. I moved away...so I have to expect some of that. But I see them at 40...though I am 41 myself. I always feel 13.

I saw Paul McCartney last Wednesday. Talk about feeling 13...or 15, rather...I was a giddy school girl and my face glowed in a smile. I thought to myself that not many have seen my face like that. My eyes were bright...my face alive and my smile was just huge. My heart filled and I just sung along or just watched him. I love him. He is my childhood...the and the "boys" took care of me. They kept me company in my quiet house. They played on my vcr (in my room) and I would just sit and watch their movies and Macca's specials. You can get them all on youtube now. I love that.

You have to have something you love--something that brings you to life...or back to life...something that reminds you of yourself and no one else.

Z will start 1st grade in 9 days. My god. She is ready...so bright and eager to learn. She struggles socially and wanting to fit in so much that she loses herself into bad behavior--thinking it is funny and cool. I did that. Geesh, even in Jr. High...it sucks to feel you can't be yourself. When I met Kortney...I finally felt I could be the real me. She was weird in all the ways I was. She listened to the same music. She introduced me to music that helped shape me. I'm not sure I returned the favor there. MaybeI showed her some movies...but we were at ease and it was fun. She was definitely my first love...that insane connection that you have for the first time. Not all have it. You finally feel that you are not alone anymore...I still feel that way. She is far away but there is a string that connects us. It seems we can tug at it and the other one knows to try to connect. If the string goes limp....I know she's struggling...she goes radio silent. After almost 30 years of friendship...you know these things.

Hopefully, you have someone like that in your life. Doesn't matter the age or the sex...but feeling "seen" is so important.