Monday, November 07, 2016

saying goodbye

I met a lovely lady a few years ago. She is the mother of my MIL. Her name is Idabelle and she is 92. We spent time together in Florida during Christmas time 4 years ago. We instantly connected. Years seemed to almost melt away. She is a great example that age is just a number. She smiles a lot. She enjoyed time with her friends. She is sharp and kind. And, we found out recently that she is dying of cancer. I went to say goodbye. She is good with God, so that was comforting to me. Seeing someone who knows that you are coming to say goodbye and you will no longer see one another again--I suppose I'm happy to say goodbye. Yet, it is heartbreaking as well. I held on to her hand and remembered the feel of my own grandma's. I told her many times how I loved her. I looked in her eyes and told her I would be thinking of her. She wants prayers of death. She is ready to go. She wanted to pray for me...I just told her that I needed the prayers all moms need. "Being a mom is hard." In more ways than one. And being a friend is hard. Being a human being is hard. Trying to be a good human being is even harder.

Her end of life circumstances are less than great. Her children are fighting around her...getting kicked out, yelling, being yelled at...feeling awful and she gets a front row seat. She is no saint, but I'd expect some to act better. I hope they will. I hope that this gets better. We all want to see our children getting along. And at the end of my life, I hope H and Z will be such wonderful friends.

Death brings out fear, I think. At least I am afraid of it. I gather Idabelle isn't because she is ready to see her heavenly father. She will also see her husband(s). (hope that doesn't get awkward.)

I've always had a strong feeling that I will see my loved ones again. But, I certainly want to stay here as long as possible in order to make sure the girls are going to be okay. That said, I have no faith in long life and am a mess in the passenger seat of the car. I fear accidents. I am a nervous wreck on long car trips. I don't want to be...but what are you going to do? Fear is fear. And I fear it.

Friday, November 04, 2016

Definition of crazy...

( doing the same things over and over again expecting a different response.)

So, the Aaron Sorkin Master Class is really good. In case you are thinking about it. I've learned so much.

Let the Seasonal Affective Disorder mania begin. Today I'm obsessing about how out of shape I am and practically got to self-loathing due to letting myself get this way. Let's see, just over a year ago I was in the best shape of my life. Then, boom...I plummeted. Awful. So, I am vowing to myself by May, I want to be in that shape again. Well, close to that shape.  Without a trainer, it will be extremely difficult for me to stay on task. I'm not a self-starter. I hate that about myself. I guess that is up to me to change and not accept about myself.

I've been listening to plays to "research" how plays sound. There is a rhythm about them. Just to focus on the dialogue and how it differs from the movies. Obviously, there is usually much less action. There are things that just don't work. Words that don't work. Starting sentences with certain words don't work. How to treat the audience. Making sure they can follow the action. A confused audience is not one that will appreciate anything.

Appreciating things...something I need to focus on right now. I am a broken record. At 42, I still struggle with many of the same things I did 15 years ago. I'm not doing something right here.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

aaron sorkin and me

okay, i'm writing to write. and, obviously punctuation isn't important...just wanted to post something. decided to splurge and buy a master class--aaron sorkin. i'd been watching the west wing again in the evenings...and i see the ad for his class. i love his work. i love how he writes dialogue. i love dialogue...and that's why i always felt a play would work best for me. his class is really helpful...he is very human and he answers questions that i've had.  i keep trying to write this play that is the scary part of my life it seems. i shy away from it...i ignore it. i do anything but write it. i have to force myself...why? if writing is what i feel my gift is, i'm not sure why i don't do it more often. i am afraid of being bad. ha. how do you master the free throw? you shoot them over and over and over. i have to write every day.

but every writer knows that.

however...can I just say that this aaron sorkin master class is excellent??!! learning so much.