Tuesday, January 24, 2017

1.23.17 on being vulerable

I am only vulnerable to very few. Afraid I will be turned away.
My insides are confusing and my non-stop nervous chatter gives me away.
I am 41 and filled with the insecurities of a 13 year old. 
Will they like me? 
Will they understand my ramblings?
Are they lost? Did I jump from one subject to the next too quickly?
Are they wondering if I'm too much to be around?
I have days where I still want to cry and rock in a chair with someone safe.
These days, it's my girls. They love me. No matter what. 
I have to feel loved. I have to feel accepted and understood.
I have to feel as if I can say anything that comes to my mind.
And most can't follow my jumps--the explaining makes me feel awkward.
Not talking makes me feel awkward.
Talking too much does, too.
I leave most conversations analyzing them.
Did I ask them about them enough?
Did I seem to over-share?
Did I come across as too uncomfortable in my skin?
Did I come across as jumpy? Weird? Too hyper?
I want to crawl into a hole. I want to disappear. 
I want to be someone else. 
I started that long ago...
But, even finding that person was a struggle.

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