1.23.17 on being vulerable

I am only vulnerable to very few. Afraid I will be turned away.

My insides are confusing and my non-stop nervous chatter gives me away.

I am 41 and filled with the insecurities of a 13 year old. 

Will they like me? 

Will they understand my ramblings?

Are they lost? Did I jump from one subject to the next too quickly?

Are they wondering if I'm too much to be around?

I have days where I still want to cry and rock in a chair with someone safe.

These days, it's my girls. They love me. No matter what. 

I have to feel loved. I have to feel accepted and understood.

I have to feel as if I can say anything that comes to my mind.

And most can't follow my jumps--the explaining makes me feel awkward.

Not talking makes me feel awkward.

Talking too much does, too.

I leave most conversations analyzing them.

Did I ask them about them enough?

Did I seem to over-share?

Did I come across as too uncomfortable in my skin?

Did I come across as jumpy? Weird? Too hyper?

I want to crawl into a hole. I want to disappear. 

I want to be someone else. 

I started that long ago...

But, even finding that person was a struggle.