Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Holidays with Holly

There are so many movies based on spending holidays with family. It is such a strange time...going back home. I find it difficult. Coming from divorced parents, you always have to figure out how much time will be allotted to each house. I don't know which movies I prefer most...but maybe the comedies put things more into perspective. I own Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter. Great flick. As I get older I do find that I seem to become less and less like my family. At least I think. Maybe I just feel that way. We don't identify with eachothers' lives. Small town Kansas vs big city Chicago...that's hard. I'm learning lately that I need to see things in a different light. When given the opportunity, I usually find fault in the flaws. I should embrace the flaws and let the differences serve as comedy. We can't change anyone. We may not understand a single thing our siblings do...why they do this or that, say this or that. We may look at our parents in awe of how we ever survived childhood--but we did! We survived and now we have a chance to mold the life we have now. It seems as if I ask for weight to be put upon me when I meet someone. "What are we talkin' here...5lbs, 20lbs?...how much are you going to weigh on me?" Not a good way of doing it. Why not let people keep their weight, their pasts, their present problems and we either listen or try to ease it for them by just being around instead of trying to take it on? (I'm advising myself here.) Going home for the holidays could be ok if we saw something simple: I get to go home soon and they will be left here. (hehehe) Seriously though, our history is made every day. Any future baggage we have is what we pack ourselves daily. You can't unpack it...but you don't have to start. I've been feeling a bit heavy lately. The holidays cause such a commotion within me for some reason. It creates lonliness in a lot of us. I know that it can for me. The reality of me is that I create more lonliness and sadness in myself than anyone else. Fact is, I have a family that loves me and I have insanely cool and amazing friends that I am in contact with all of the time. Life is good. Time to celebrate the people in our lives. I read this GREAT quote that Matthew MacConahay's mother would say to him in the mornings when he was cranky..."You come out here when you see the rose in the vase instead of the dust on the table."

Nice words to live by...but in the spirit of making fun of the insane times of holiday get togethers...I'll leave you with some memorable quotes from Home for the Holidays: (watch it!)

Adele: I'm giving thanks that we don't have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.

Claudia: We don't have to like each other. We're family.

Claudia: Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom. You know that. That's what the day's supposed to be all about, right? Torture.

A few of my holiday picks:

-The Nightmare Before Christmas
-National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
-The Myth of Fingerprints
-Elf (didn't think I'd like it but laughed OUT LOUD many times)
-Holiday Inn
-White Christmas
-Any Charlie Brown special...thanksgiving, christmas, halloween...you just can't go wrong!
-It's a Wonderful Life (of course)
-Gremlins (yep...based around Christmas!)
-Planes, Trains and Automobiles
-Die Hard (Christmas again!)

yeah, notice that I DIDN'T put down A Christmas Story...can't stand that movie!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

crash into me

I've been growing into things lately. Into books, into movies, into poetry and into lyrics. I don't mean to shy away from my normal way of blogging, but lately, I find that the words I am searching for are not my own. I can't seem to find my way right now and when this happens, I always look to others to help me. So, I've called upon women folk singers to help me out. (There is actually an on-line radion station that features them.) I grew up with folk music. My mother listened to Joan Baez, Peter,Paul and Mary and Jim Croce to name a few. I listened to some Bob Dylan on a road trip recently. I've listened to the Indigo Girls for years, but I'd never really listened to Ani DiFranco. Ani is 35, my sister's age basically, so I guess I'm reaching for a voice of an older sister. She seems like someone I will cling to. So, even though I've seen her around, I was just only introduced to her today. Until I figure out how to find myself within myself, I'll continue to find comfort in others who have felt similarly. One of my favourite authors, May Sarton writes that experiencing life with others, talking about it, living it--everything...is what it is all about. She writes (I'm paraphrasing) that coming into contact with another person is literally like crashing into them...it takes so much out of you. I've always gone about life in full throttle, not realizing that I might be getting ahead of myself. Lately, although I couldn't feel it, I was too far ahead was pulled back. It seems my life is either moving too fast or not moving at all. It is a constant floor it, brake, floor it, brake motion. At times it seems like I have whiplash. I either can't hear or I won't listen. But, it's time.
These lyrics spoke to me today...so I'm documenting them. I was sitting at my desk and the words just started flowing and I finally started listening. So, for those who have known Ani, thank God. For those who were like me...

Meet Ani.

"Falling Is Like This"

You give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

love without a net

So, 13 years ago today I made love for the first time. I remember it pretty vividly. It was amazing and I cried...but yes, I was too young for it. I don't regret the fact that it happened or who it was with at all. I was desperately in love and he was with me. Nothing matches that heat. Given and received with the same intensity. It should definitely be handled with care. It can burn you in the far reaches of your heart that can never be healed or it can expand your heart so that you are able to feel more than you ever thought possible. I've always thought, the more love you have, the more there is to give. My first love was out of control at times...too intense for how old I was. But it did show me what it was like to have someone love you as much as they possibly could. Love without fear, without limits, without any type of safety net at all. It's scary...but it's amazing.

What is the point in loving half way?


I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's stings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
And things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it.


Saturday, November 19, 2005

REM lyric in my head.....hairshirt

I am not the type of dog
That could keep you waiting
For no good reason
Run a carbon-black test on my jaw
And you will find it's all been said before

I can swing my megaphone and long arm the rest
It's easier and better
To just beat it from the chest
Of desire

I could walk into this room
And the waves of conversation are enough
To knock you down in the undertow
So alone so alone in my life
Feed me banks of light
And hang your hairshirt on the lowest rung
It's a beautiful life
And I can hang my hairshirt
Away up high in the attic of the wrong dog's life chest
Or bury it at sea
All my life I've searched for this

Here I am here I am in your life
It's a beautiful life
My life
It's a beautiful life
Your life

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You do know that Dorothy went from sleeping in poppies to popping too many sleeping pills, right?

It seems that I meet people all the time and they all eventually get around to asking you where you are from. When I say I am from Kansas...9 times out of 10, they say, "oh, like Dorothy." "Yes...like Dorothy," I say. I wonder how many people wouldn't know about Kansas at all if it weren't for that movie...so I guess I should thank Mr. Baum. Being associated with the movie is sort of interesting. It came out in 1939, the same year as Gone with the Wind. A big year for the cinema! Anyway, back to Dorothy and the tornado that carries her away to the land of Oz. Already, Kansas is seen as dreary. I didn't live in a black and white town, but it wasn't technicolor either. The movie's portrayal of a tornado forever scarred me however--I am absolutely terrified of them and have nightmares about them all of the time. In this case, it seems that the tornado served as the key element in Dorothy's sojourn to Oz. She spends the entire movie searching for something she already has. It seems that that is a popular message. Isn't that what Frank Capra wanted George Bailey to understand? In "It's a Wonderful Life,"Clarence shows George what life would be like without him. George and Dorothy both realize not to take those around them for granted and how incredible their lives actually are. It seems that people really need a wake up call. Same thing in A Christmas Carol. Scrooge has to see the pain and suffering he causes to finally figure out what an ass he is. The Grinch has to come face to face with ultimate kindess to make his heart grow. Let's see...who else needs help figuring this stuff out? Harry has to lose Sally before he realizes she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The hair band "Cinderella" has it down, "Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone." Isn't that the shits? The 80's had a ball with this concept. "St. Elmo's Fire," "About Last Night" and "She's Having a Baby" all had characters that needed the painful episodes of either one leaving or the idea that one could die that make them snap back into shape. A great example of not only figuring out what you had, but going out and making changes in order to show growth as a person to the other is "Something's Got to Give." I'm not going to detail these movies...if you want to understand, watch them.
Why am I writing about this? Guess I just got on a tangent because of the whole Dorothy-Kansas thing. Thanks GOD she had those slippers, huh? Man, that could have been a bitch. Why were her pals looking for a heart, a brain and the "noyve"? (that's "nerve" for those who haven't seen the movie.) Never quite got that. I was a film major and still I don't get it. I guess if I really thought about it, I'd understand...however, I DID find a very interesting tidbit on the internet (wish I'd come up with it) that I'll share with you in regards to the film:

An interesting sidenote: the plot of The Wizard of Oz has often been used, rightly or wrongly, as a Parable on Populism in the Gilded Age, to explain the political situation at the time of its writing, including the 1896 Presidential election, and the turn-of-the-century Populist movement. Here are a few of the allegorical connections, most of which were originally recognized by Henry M. Littlefield, and published in the American Quarterly in 1967:

  • the Scarecrow - the wise, but naive western farmers
  • the Tin Woodman - the dehumanized, Eastern factory workers
  • the Wicked Witch of the East - the Eastern industrialists and bankers who controlled the people (the Munchkins)
  • the Good Witch of the North - New England, a stronghold of Populists
  • the Good Witch of the South - the South, another Populist area
  • the Wizard - President Grover Cleveland, or Republican Presidential candidate William McKinley
  • the Cowardly Lion - Democratic-Populist Presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan
  • Dorothy - a young Mary Lease; or the good-natured American people
  • Dorothy's silver shoes - represents the 'silver standard' (acc. to the Populists, "the free and unlimited coinage of silver")
  • Toto - the 'teetotaling' Prohibitionists (or Temperance Party), an important part of the 'silverite' coalition
  • the Yellow Brick road - the 'gold standard' - paved with gold, but leads nowhere
  • the land of Oz - oz. is the standard abbreviation for ounce, in accordance with the other symbolism
  • Emerald City - Washington, D.C., with a greenish color associated with greenbacks
  • the Poppy field - the threat of anti-imperialism
So far, this blog has had no particular rhyme or reason to it. Sorry about that. Think of it as my Faulkneresque way of linking my thoughts together upon hearing of my direct association with Dorothy and her wild goose chase of trying to find the better things in life by hooking up with friends, going into the unknown, stopping to get high and then finally realizing that the entire trip was just a dream...leading her right back where she started.

....wait a minute.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

You Are Everything

If you don't listen to music, you are missing a part of your soul. That is exactly how I feel. Unlike books and movies, music triggers emotions that probably only smell can match. It serves as a transport. When I hear certain songs, my heart remembers too. It remembers if it was in pain, or if it was in love...if it was searching...or it ties it to a certain person, even if that person is you. This is one of the many songs that seems to practically knock me out when I listen to it.
I'm 14, a freshman in high school. I have no idea what is going on around me. I love my friends more than anything. I've found my niche--but I'm lonely. My best friend moved away and I miss feeling really understood by someone. When I was a kid travelling back and forth between Topeka and St. John, KS to visit my dad, I would lay in the backseat, in the dark, and watch the stars go by. My sister and my mom were in the front seats--I was alone...yet calm. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the engine...and for a moment, I was happy and safe. When this song came out, I felt that all over again. I heard it on my first visit to see Kortney. I couldn't wait to see her... to feel safe and understood again. During such a confusing time in my life, she was the closest thing to a life line that I had...still is.


Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing
I'm very scared for this world
I'm very scared for me
Eviscerate your memory
Here's a scene
You're in the back seat laying down
The windows wrap around
To sound of the travel and the engine
All you hear is time stand still in travel
And feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn't end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The stars are the greatest thing you've ever seen
And they're there for you
For you alone you are the everything

I think about this world a lot and I cry
And I've seen the films and the eyes
But I'm in this kitchen
Everything is beautiful
And she is so beautiful
She is so young and old
I look at her and I see the beauty
Of the light of music
The voices talking somewhere in the house
Late spring and you're drifting off to sleep
With your teeth in your mouth
You are here with me
You are here with me
You have been here and you are everything

Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing
I'm very scared for this world
I'm very scared for me
Eviscerate your memory
Here's a scene
You're in the back seat laying down
The windows wrap around
To sound of the travel and the engine
All you hear is time stand still in travel
And feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn't end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The greatest thing you've ever seen
And they're there for you
For you alone you are the everything
For you alone you are the everything

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Following him home without an invite, I got out of my car and walked up to him...he said nothing, he just held out his hand. I took it and we started to walk together. We stole moments far before we kissed. Everything led up to it...as soon as it happened, it seemed we passed "go." It was a brush fire, but created moments that I still measure others up against.

During "Lawrence of Arabia", I said I was warm...he reached over me to open the window. His shirt pulled from his pants showing his tight stomach. I slipped my hand under his shirt and touched him. He turned his head and fell into me.

Lying in his bed for the first time, after a night of talking, he told me that we shouldn't kiss...I looked at his face...kind. His voice, deep. His eyes took me in. I leaned in. That was it. From that moment on, we were together...I just didn't know it yet.

Drunk off of many, many screwdrivers...we all crowded around a table in the disco. The music blaring in our ears. I wanted to do something crazy...be someone else and show that I could be different from the girl he knew in Kansas. We were overseas...and somehow it gave me the feeling that I could do anything and it would be forgotten--I looked at my friend...and leaned over and slowly kissed her. He couldn't believe his eyes...I couldn't believe the fact that she kissed me back. Twice.

We talked for hours it seemed about how we shouldn't kiss. I wanted to. I think he did too. I don't think he ever would have taken advantage of the opportunity. I swung my leg around him and wrapped him between my thighes..."are you ready?" I bent down and put my lips to his...his hands immediately came to my hips. Butterflies fluttered violently and I could feel my head start to spin. His hands cradled my face...he was slow and soft. Not at all what I expected. I kept my eyes shut...pulled away from his face to see his reaction. Opening my eyes, I saw him...smiling. He kissed me again.

My heart was pounding as we walked through the parking garage towards his car. The conversation was still going round and round in my head. Did he say what I think he said? Was I imagining all of this? For months I'd denied my feelings...I was in love with two people. Did he just reciprocate my feelings? We finally got to his car. He stopped at the door. I had to know. I called his name. He turned and I didn't give him a chance to say a word, I kissed him. He kissed me back. "I shouldn't have done that..." I said. "Why?..." His question relieved me.

After the play, he and his friends took me to a bar in the neighborhood. I had crushed on him for weeks. We drank and laughed. He put his hand on my hip at one point. I just wanted it to stay there. We decided to go to his house...I sent his friends out to get a cab. "We'll be out in a minute." I turned to him, "Before we go, I just want to see what I'm in for. If this doesn't work, we won't waste our time flirting all evening..." He laughed. I pulled him in and kissed him. Least to say, it worked.

Stolen or clandestine kisses are exciting and fantastical...but I'd like to be invited...