Stay at home mommy. Hmmm. This is an interesting and wonderful thing. I know my daughter...I know her cries and her smell. I know what she needs most of the time. Sometimes she throws me a curve ball when I am tired. There are things I have to get used to however. I'm tied to her. I am her food...for the most part. We do give her formula in a bottle at times. She's great about having both. I feel like I can't leave the house. That's my problem. I know I can, but I am paranoid about the cold. I don't want her to be out in the car unnecessarily. I don't want her to get a cold or for us to be hit by someone. I'm protecting her too much...but hey...it's winter and she's not even two months yet. I need to relax. I need to understand I'm going to be tired. But I feel like I want to nap a lot during the day and I can't get anything done. I'm used to 9 hours of sleep and now I'm down to about 5 hours a night. (This is a big deal for me) Jason is used to that...but I am not. It's been a challenge--however, not as big as I thought it would be. I thought I'd be out of my mind by now. I' not, I'm just a little claustrophobic at times and get exhaustion headaches. I'm stressed out about controlling my environment. I am someone who has to do certain things to remain healthy. I have to have clean surroundings. Things need to have order. My kitchen must be clean. Jason doesn't really get this about me. I was a bit "crazy" before we got serious...so I don't think he's seen the "wacky valerie" but I am VERY in tune with her and don't want to go back there. I have to have sleep. I have to feel productive and not lazy. Laziness is a big deal. I feel lazy if I watch too much tv. (However, most of the time I'm way too tired to read a book) I feel lazy if there are dishes out or if the bed isn't made. (The bed is made every morning.) I also hate not showering every day. Today is the first day in a long time that I just couldn't get it done. I want to be super mom. But I'm not. My thank you notes aren't done. Her baby book isn't started. Her announcements aren't out!! That's crazy. I feel like I'm just not enough. I need another one of me. Jason is great. But he works. And just because he works from home...I can't take advantage of that. He can't get to things quick enough for me (and my mental health). He can't get to the dishes or the laundry or the vacuuming when I need it. He can only do it when he has time. (This isn't really ever) He has other things that require his time. (Worthy things...yes...but again, this is why I need another me.)
Thank goodness Z is a good baby. She isn't fussy. She is sweet and understanding. She smiles at me a lot and I'm convinced she knows the secrets of the universe that she will forget by the time she can talk. She is wise...I can see it in her eyes. She is beautiful...more and more each day. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is the perfect shade of blonde. Her eyes are blue and bright...and they follow me. She loves her daddy...and I've never seen him so in love. It's been great seeing his heart grow bigger. She couldn't have a better daddy...or be loved more. I love this especially. He will have the love that I felt I didn't have growing up...she will be able to feel his adoration. That is so important.
I have so many things to get used to. But I will in time. In the meantime, it's my own personal race to keep mentally healthy. I'm going on 3 years of balance....and I need to hold on to it.
2 comments:
You are in a challenging place and I vaguely remember much of what you're describing. I think my sister is even more like you in how much she needs order.
Do watch out for your needs. They are so important and so easy to overlook.
I got your thank you note and had to laugh at your comment that it was late -- I didn't expect you to send one and should have thought to tell you so in my card. You are doing important work by taking care of your family, especially when Z is so young. Give yourself a break on everything that doesn't directly impact you, Z, or Jason. Thank you notes will wait.
I love you. You are a natural mother and you will put an order to your surroundings over time. My practical advice: set guidelines for yourself. ex. I will work on the house for 2-30 min sessions. Whatver I don't get done in that time will have to wait until tomorrow. Next week, make it 45 min sessions and so on. My friend advice: Burn the damn thank you notes and tell people they were lost in the mail.
You're doing great.
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