I'm Blue...da ba dee, da ba die

The skies are blue...sadly, I am too. I'm not even sure why...I think it's because I'm exhausted today. I feel like crying, no reason. I want my house clean and I'm sick of cleaning it. Well, that's not true, I'm just sick of doing it with interruption. Z is great, but man...I'm tired. This is probably normal, right? At least Jason isn't going to CA tomorrow as he'd planned. The trip was miraculously canceled. Thank God. My birthday is tomorrow. I'm 35. My life is good. All I want is a long, warm nap. A bubble bath and a nap--with an electric blanket. I equate warmth with happiness. The house is cold. I hate the cold. I always hated that my birthday was in the winter months...and now I've passed that on to my daughter. I loved summer bday parties. You can be outside, you can go camping or swimming. Mine were cold.

I'm far away from my family and friends. This is normally fine. But I miss my girlfriends. I miss Dustin.. I miss Jeremy, too. I miss girl time. We're all so busy now with jobs and family, it's hard to find time. Birthday sleep overs...those times I miss. Kortney was just here. We're so family oriented now. This is good...and lonesome. We're silly, but not as silly...not as dangerous...not as spontaneous. We're mommies...and we're tired and we talk about husbands and kids. It's better than bad boyfriends and bad relationships, yes. But I don't feel 35. That's the point of this rambling. I feel so immature and young still. I look at Z and think I'm too young to have her. I feel like a teenage mother. But, I look at my face and I see wrinkles staring at me around my eyes. They are there mostly due to smiling and laughing. I hate the stresses of getting older. Jason and I just talked about this yesterday. How stressed he is...and how different he seems from when we were first together. "I only had me to worry about, now I have a house and a family." This equals a lot of stress. Happiness, yes, but there are SO MANY things to stress about. Money sucks. I just hate it. I hate that we all worry about it.

I miss being 16. I'd just found love and my girlfriends surrounded me and I only had high school to worry about. (I didn't worry too much about it...) I miss high school trips and sport nights and riding around the square with my friends. Life was so thick to me then...I felt so many things for the first time.

I'm now a mommy for the first time. I look at this baby and want her to stay little. Yet, I want her to hurry up and grow so she can talk to me and so we can go on trips together. I want her to love her childhood so much that she writes about it when she's 35. That should be my focus...to make her life thick.

At 35, I've been rich with love and friendship. I married my friend and I plan on looking for ways to de-stress my life. Z doesn't need to be aware of this shit. It's her time. And it's our time...mine and Jason's to have a normal childhood through our daughter.

Happy Birthday to me.

UPDATE: (after taking a small nap)

As I look around my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't even go back to being 16, though I miss certain things about it. College was rough and childhood had it's not so pleasant moments. Now, I have a wonderful little family...and we've carved our own little place here in NY. It took all of those times to get here...and I love looking back with rose tinted glasses. I know those times weren't as glorious as I remember, but I still love the long and winding road that lead me here.