streams of consciousness

I just put Z down to bed. Sweet girl. She had an impromptu bath earlier this evening after she pooped an enormous amount and it crawled halfway up her back. She really seemed pleased with herself. She and I have this silent way of communicating. With looks and smiles, she seems to really understand what I need from her at given times. There is most certainly a bond there and I've never felt this way in my life. So connected. I remember feeling so close to my mother. When we moved to Topeka after my parents divorced, I would lay in bed and feel so homesick for her as she studied in the basement. I'd have to take my blanket and just lay next to her as she typed or read in her office. I also remember thinking that she might be Jesus Christ. This is strange. I felt no one in the world was as perfect as she was, or as kind, or as wonderful. An interesting thought process there. I don't expect Z to have those same kinds of feelings--I have to chuckle a bit at her thinking I'm Jesus. I was vulnerable and probably had some abandonment issues I was dealing with...

She's growing so fast. She slept in our room last night and we slept in the guest bedroom. I wanted to see how she'd sleep without me in the room. Not bad at all! Jason wasn't ready. He doesn't want her to be in her room at all. It marks change for him...that his little girl is growing up. Jason hates change...and he's definitely not ready for his little girl to get any bigger.

I'm ready to hear her thoughts. My mom visited not too long ago and we had many a conversation. I wonder if Z and I will be as close. My mother is not as loose lipped as I am. She's very conservative about certain topics. I've never been conservative. Never. I've always spoken my mind-much to my mother's horror many a time. Wendy and I are so different as well. My sister is extremely private with her emotions. So is my father. In fact, I am the black sheep. I'm constantly in motion, moving from here to there...constantly talking and wanting to know more and more about everything in life.

A great example of how I affect my family: My father came to help Jason and I move to New York from Chicago. When he was in the car with me, I asked him tons of questions about his life...his parents...just anything I wanted to know. When we stopped to get gas, he said, "I think I'll ride with Jason for a while."

I easily tire most people. Jason was drawn to me for this reason I think. (Not that I'm tiring, but that I talk about everything) He's about as tight lipped as they come. I think people need others to bring inner thoughts and feelings to the surface. My dramatics that seemed to rule my life when I met him flew right out the window. He doesn't deal with drama. He's quiet and handled me quietly and my demons seemed to lose their power.

It's obviously late. I always talk too much when it's late.