"No, it don't break even..."

This past weekend in Cleveland, I talked to J's sister who recently broke up with her boyfriend. When I asked her about it, she immediately teared up. Ugh. "It's hard..." I went to her for a hug and we both started crying. They love each other, but it's just not going to work. I've been there. And the tears came just remembering that heartache. She's so sad and angry and confused. I look at Z and know she, too, will have this feeling at some point in her life. Heartbreak is awful. My first broken heart was around 19 or so. First love was amazing and heart wrenching. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--definitely. I learned so much about my heart and its expectations and limitations. I'm happy to say that my first love is still a friend of mine still. Whew! I dream about him all of the time. Is that weird? I think its my heart's way of digesting anything related to love. He was the first and the most intense, so my brain plugs him into whatever situation. We were a country song...and now we both have our own families.

I've loved a couple times since. Well, more than a couple I guess. I loved someone who could never love me--I don't recommend that. He loves me now, but it's not romantic love. We are good friends. I loved someone who didn't love himself. Don't recommend that either. We, too, are still friends. I loved someone who wanted to fix me. (Do I need to say it?) And finally, I loved someone who thought I was great just the way I am. Well, maybe not GREAT, but he'll take me as I am. It's all good stuff, but it can all hurt. The dreams, the crying, the what ifs...it's all part of it. But, in the end, you're smarter about yourself. You're stronger. You're more able to recognize the needs you need met. I wouldn't trade my true loves for anything. (I would trade one of my relationships though...but everyone has one of those.)

Loving the friends...or falling for a moment. Done that too. That can be bad. I've lost a few fantastic friends because of my immaturity. It's hard to distinguish how the love should be managed sometimes. They are ALL lessons of the heart. And even now, I am learning. It's not easy. It's damn right difficult really. My heart is still learning.

So, to those who are mending a broken heart right now...don't fret too much. It kills and it hurts and you want to die at times, but you'll come out on the other side eventually. Until then--cry as much as you want and then try to limit it to a few minutes a day. And keep looking good. This is no time to let yourself go!! :) And take mental notes of what went wrong. It'll help for next time. But, if you can, try to realize that the pain you are feeling makes you one with the romantic poets. They all felt that pain in order to write some amazing things! The TRUE artists suffer the most! Lauren Hill has some GREAT break up music. As well as Sheryl Crow, Alanis Morrisette and Beyonce. :)

"Not As We"

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

--Alanis. Now this girl knows how to suffer!!! (Her "Flavors of Entanglement" is a break up album. She wrote it after her break up with Ryan Reynolds.)

Also, another tip...find DVDs of Felicity and THROW yourself into them! That always helps me.