I feel like Julia slapped me in the face.

I just got back from seeing Eat Pray Love. I loved it. I loved her journey, but mostly I loved the thoughts it provoked. I sat there alone (J kept Z at home) and tried to put myself into the scenarios. (That's what I've always done with movies--hence my slight identity crisis.) Like her, I too, protect my heart too much. I'm married...I should just let it wide open. I do think that being raised by a single mother had lasting effects. I didn't look into the future and see a husband. I saw a woman making her own plans and doing what she wanted to do. We didn't have to consider my father really when making any day to day plans. She didn't want to be a single mother though. However, the idea of having your life be your own was something I always had. Also, keeping your heart close to you and not lending it out was another idea. But, at 16, I did fall in love--and fell ALL THE WAY. Ugh. Having your heart broken as a young person is just awful. It was broken pretty much from 19-24--until I thought I fell in love with an older man. There was another relationship in there that tried to cushion the blow but ended up being my worst regret. I basically dated someone because he had found someone--bad idea. Sadly, one of the lessons I learned from that broken heart was to never open it quite that wide again. And yes, I'm married, and no--I haven't opened it as wide as I should. Again with the single mom thing--you want to make sure that if this flops, your heart is in tact. As I sat there watching the movie, I was reminded again that this is no way to love. J deserves more than that and I am capable of so much more. I've been calloused in many ways. My therapist told me that I had one foot out the door in my marriage. This is a hard realization. It's tough for me. I did want to be married...and I wanted to marry Jason. I just didn't realize that after it happened it would be so hard for me to keep that flood gate open. She struggles with the balance in the movie as well. She makes a reference to how she jumped from man to man her entire life and that what helped her get over one was finding another. BINGO. That's me to a tee. Sounds awful. After the first time, I NEVER wanted to feel that pain again. I felt it a bit after Kansas City. I didn't jump right into something else...but I did have a distraction. Men were my distraction for most of my life. I dated to either not deal with heartache or pain from daddy relationship or my insecurities or my depression. Man, I sound healthy!! Jason is real, but he is the toughest. He's also a thinker. We are both from divorced families and are both affected by our childhoods. We both have protective shields. We both deal with past scars in different ways. I create and think and reflect and mull over...while he throws himself either in to work or working out. We struggle but we also saw something in the other. The connection is strong, but it requires a lot of care. I admittedly have been selfishly resigned lately. The movie was a good reminder that having an independent soul balance and not loving to your fullest potential throws off your life balance. In keeping your feelings always on alert, you miss out on all of the ups and downs and greatness of life. It is scary to me. It is hard to let down the boundaries. It's hard to want to go back to my 16 year old self and just LOVE until I just can barely see anymore. I want to feel that again though. I do. And J deserves to be overwhelmed by me a little.

My best friend is getting married for the second time. She is overwhelmed by love. She's just letting him have it. She's happy and at times it's nauseating. But, the nausea comes from how scary that seems to me. But, I want to be that silly and crazy in love. After all, that's why J and I got married...we were a little crazy. Slowly, I pulled myself together and tried to become the perfect wife, now mother. What does that mean?? Well, I've been doing it wrong. It's very apparent to me. There are changes ahead...and lots of good fear.