So, does every stay at home mom go through the need to find any possible way to create? I feel like I'm pulled in many directions to feel unique again. Z figured out that we are two people and she is now on her way to creating her inner self. Me, on the other hand...I need to start doing the same. At 35, I still feel as if I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Given my desire to always be someone else, I found another person cooler than me (happens daily) as I was surfing blogs. SO creative. SO cool...and her little house is full of the most unique ways of expressing who she is and who her family is. I'm going a little nuts here. I look around and want to change everything in my house, my wardrobe, my hair. I'm exhausted thinking about it all. I keep trying to tell myself that it all takes YEARS to acquire these types of things. It's not about money to me. It's about having someone walk into my home and see "us" in it. Jason doesn't share this feeling. He's too busy with work. Yes, I'm busy with Z, but my mind is always racing around. How can I make this place the best place for Z to be? How can I make it so that I LOVE to be here. What would make people feel immediately welcome and at ease. Am I turning into Martha Stewart/Mrs. Cleaver/Mrs. Insecure??
I watched One True Thing recently. I find myself having a very paradoxical experience. Meryl Streep's character in that movie seems to be someone I'd really want to be. But, growing up, Madonna was also someone I wanted to be. She was tough and in charge and demanding and creative and driven and bitchy. hmmmm. It's like I want to be the sweetest, most creative, nurturing and thoughtful person I can be. Then--I worry. What about making sure you're not watered down or bland? I'm struggling so much with my own personality. Why is this??? I've always struggled with it. I've always wanted to be anyone besides myself. I need to find a voice. I've obviously neglected to do that during my aging process. I need to find a center, my authentic self. I'm getting lost in here.
1 comment:
I can relate somewhat. Also, when I made the transition to staying home from working, that was really confusing and disconcerting for me. Even though I'd desperately wanted to stay home.
With your house, don't worry about making it welcoming to other people. Just start with what YOU would like to see, or feel, or what makes you comfortable, or what you'd like each room to be used for. Maybe answers and your home will take shape at the same time.
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