On being sweet.

Sweetness isn't my thing. I think I used to be sweet way back when but I've lost it. I was driving today--alone--which doesn't happen much and was really thinking about this. Where is my sweet side? What happened to me? I'm kind and thoughtful and really want good things for people, but I lack the every day smiles and pure sweet part of being a wife. I watched Rachel Zoe the other night and she had a girlfriend date with Kate Hudson. She oozes sunshinyness. She's smiley and glowy. Rachel talks about how she just feels better being around her. I've always wanted to have that effect on people. Right now, I don't. I've noticed my grouchy ways and I'm sad about it. I feel very guarded for some reason. I have this little bright happy baby and I'm feeling dark and grouchy. I'm not sad though. I used to be very sad in my 20s. Now, I'm more irritated and critical. This is mostly directed to Jason. Great wife I am, right? But this is what I was thinking in the car today. "You need to be sweeter and more sunny." "You need to sweetly greet him when he comes in from a long day on the road." "You need to say goodnight to him with a kiss instead of just going to bed upset because he still has to work." I should feel for the fact that he is up late...but a lot of the times I'm pissed because I'm going to bed alone. The more I thought about this, the more I wondered--how would his actions towards me change if I was more sunny? I'd like to be someone he feels shelters him from the world of chaos...not someone he has to hide from in the house because he's worried I'll snap at him. (Gosh, I sound WONDERFUL) Ugh. I think I used to be a sweet girlfriend. Maybe I've always been this way? No, I remember being more romantic and more giddy. Hmmmm. Well, this is my thought tonight. I put Kate up in my closet as a reminder. There are always going to be irritants in marriage. Life is hard. However, you chose each other to walk through it. I reference my divorced mom a lot. I think it's because of the lessons of survival. The lesson of taking care of your own heart. Making sure you are always tough enough to get through anything. (I think about these things constantly.) Yet, today, I thought, "If you go through your marriage this way, you are almost willing it to happen." I need to open my heart more. I need to let my guard down and just let the sweetness pour out. It's scary. Even if you're in a good marriage...for me, to do this...it seems like I'm setting myself up for a fall. Silly. This is SO Faulkner--meaning the stream of consciousness deal. Sorry about that. I haven't seen my therapist in over 2 years. I'm kind of using you.

I'm reading Goldie Hawn's book. She's sunny and happy and sweet and wonderful. Like mother like daughter. She has a lot of great things to say. That's my go to book right now. So many lessons to help me with being fun and shiny again. No one wants to be around crabby and irritated. Especially me. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Okay, Goldie, Kate, please lead the way.