Last night I had a nightmare that was so real to me it's been affecting me all day. Thought maybe I'd just purge it here and hope it leaves me. I dreamed my first love, Jay, had died after being very ill. I was on the outskirts of my hometown when I heard. My good friend, Becky came to find me to take me to his home. I was barely able to walk--just bawling and feeling so horrible and lost. I kept dropping to my knees and Becky kept lifting me up. (Yes, this IS dramatic) It was so real to me--so strange. I woke up with such immense sadness that I cried for about 10 minutes knowing it had all been a dream.
I always fear loss. Is that morbid? I think of losing Jason every time he has a day on the road. It's awful. I can talk myself into a complete freak out.
Dreams of people always fill me with thoughts of them. I sometimes feel it's a sign that I should reach out somehow. A flood of memories came back to me about our times together--gosh, almost 20 years ago. We've remained in touch and I think of him with such fondness and yes, love. Whenever my brain decides to dream about lovers or boyfriends...it always attaches his face to whatever person I'm dreaming about. Because it was the first imprint of love on my heart--he's always been just a part of my history. I love love, passion and romance. I feel lucky that he created so much of that for me in my life at such a young age. I can easily say that he's the most romantic person I've run across. I have no idea if he grew out of that--we don't talk of things like that now. Now, it's about our families and children. We all grow and change and move on to what our lives will be...and what they were meant to be. I just love that my history was so full of intensity.
Ugh...my heart's been heavy all day. It's all Jason's fault. He told me the night before that he'd dreamed about one of his ex-girlfriend's dying. (THE ex-girlfriend that was the most intense for him...and how sad he was about it.)
Young love is so important. Let's hope Z finds a love to be happy and intense about! The other kind...where you are left feeling empty and broken--let's leave those to those girls who aren't nice to their mothers!
2 comments:
quit' dreaming about me!!! no, just kidding
I TOTALLY makeup horrible scenarious in my mind (usually when I'm driving) about people dying or having limbs amputated and then REALLY reacting. I am sure people in traffice think I'm a freak when I'm acting our my emotions to my imaginary drama. I think its my way of trying to always be prepared for the worst.
Post a Comment