Express yourself.

I'm listening to Shirley McClain's book, "I'm Over All That" and one of the things she is "over" is Smalk- small talk. I'm 40 years younger and I'm over it as well. I've never been good at it. I don't prefer it. Jason is a master. It's a gift. He can strike up a very easy conversation with anyone and they feel comfortable and never intimidated. I always feel stupid during the small conversations you have during getting to know people. Some of my friendships were never like that. We dove deep right off the bat. (That's when I know I've found a good one!) A perfect dinner party for me would be if I wrote conversations starters on all of the name tags and everyone had to discuss their individual answers. This would be Jason's nightmare. He isn't big on talking about himself or anything too deep with anyone but me...and sometimes, no one at all. I, on the other hand, would and will talk about anything with anyone. I feel that it's the best way to learn about people and about life.  Hearing about an individual's experiences thrills me. Hearing how each person goes through life and how we each perceive it...fascinating!! Reality doesn't really exist. (Shirley feels this way as well.) Life is just full of moments that are perceived differently by everyone who experiences them. I learned this the hard way when trying to confront some old demons with my parents. When I told them my memories and asked they why certain events went the way they did...they had no idea what I was talking about. I spoke of traumatizing times I'd had and they either didn't remember it even happening, or they told me I remembered it wrong. The way a child remembers something compared to an adult is totally different. It's not that the child doesn't remember correctly; they remember how THEY percieved it, how it affected them. This was a HUGE revelation to me. Everyone does this. Break ups are also difficult due to this reason. Each person sees the relationship differently. A spouse could think a divorce came out of nowhere- that they were blind sided. The other could have been thinking about it for years and felt they were very obviously unhappy. Men and women struggle with their differences. We just love differently. We need different things. But, we don't know how to do it right unless we talk. I come from a family of extremely private people. They are also passive and stuff their emotions. No one discusses how they really feel and they get damn uncomfortable if I bring anything up. My mom tells a story of when my paternal grandma held me for the first time. She said, "Ahhh...this one is different." I really think she could sense that I was a talker, even then. I always had open talks with my grandparents. I felt safe to discuss anything. They didn't seem to bat an eye at any of my questions. Most of my family members look at me as if I'm the most inappropriate person at times. But, I've always been this way. I made most of my close friendships in high school due to long nights of talking and connecting on a deeper level rather than just liking the same things.

Life is about connections. I hope you are able to say what's on your heart. I hope you don't stuff your feelings. So many times you find that people desperately want to talk. They need you to dig deeper. You have to go to them. You have to involve them...invite them...bug them. I may let time go by, but I always come back to them and talk to them as if we spoke yesterday. I do it because I love them and I know they need it. If you have this gift, use it. So many need not to feel alone.