The kids aren't all right.

Anxiety has been rearing it's head again. No idea why. I seem to be easily overwhelmed lately. With the sun shining out and seeing what all I have to be grateful for, I'm confused. I do feel as if I'm failing if the house is any kind of a mess--something I've been dealing with for quite a while. My OCD is really taking off. With Summer visits from family, I'm especially on edge. Being around family is hard for me. I am stressed out most of the time. That's too bad really. I'd love to feel more relaxed when people are here. But, it's just not so. The "alien" feeling comes over me and I'm very anxious about the variety of moods, etc. We have some temperamental personalities in the family. This causes me to be nervous and ready to pounce if I feel threatened. I hate this feeling. I have a very low tolerance for certain things. Others, including my  husband, are very slow to react and have a great ability to tune things out. I want this ability! He can tune out most things if he wants. I think it's a survival mechanism from his childhood. I have a different way about me. My observations have been that the quiet and non reactive get taken advantage of and it drives me nuts. I felt very much that way as a kid. Saying nothing just leads to more of the same kind of behavior. I didn't have a voice as a kid and my parents didn't really either. I didn't feel protected a lot of the time. My dad's parents did a good job of it, however. I felt loved and protected when I was with them. I felt like they listened to me and they were very good at acknowledging me. I knew that I'd never feel badly when I was with them. I want to be able to do the same for others. The one thing I learned from my childhood is that children remember. WE REMEMBER. We remember how we felt, how we were treated, what you said, what wasn't said and who to trust with our safety. They may be small--but they are recording it all.

Today is gorgeous. The sun is beaming and it's not too hot. After I get the house to the point where I can relax about it, Z and I are going to see the flowers at the Eastman House. I could use seeing some flowers today. They bloom whether I'm having a good day or not. I need to feel that way. Z can't be a victim to my bad days. It's not fair. God, this is hard sometimes.