observations

The Jazz festival is going on this week. I've never been to one. I've lived in such jazzy cities even--Kansas City and Chicago...but no festival. Hmmm. Rochester actually has quite jazz scene. I'm impressed by the talent that comes here. Little Z isn't so much on sitting and enjoying music. I'm playing some jazz in the house to make up for not going today. It's so pretty out. The sky is bright blue. We all walked to the gym today at noon. Beautiful. I'm still listening to Jane Fonda and found myself lying on my yoga mat listening to her voice and staring out the window at the trees. It was so calming. Some of the cotton is blowing around. I try to take in as much of the beauty of the outside as I can. I try to take snapshots to remind myself how lucky I am. Life is crazy and I forget how nice it is just to have the sun shining on your face and shoulders. I get really caught up in making sure the house is tidy and I forget about what is really important. My head gets jumbled and my chest gets so tight when things aren't just so. I seemed so much more free as a kid--but probably just unaware and careless. Yes, I'm more serious now rather than just dramatic. I get wrapped up in nonsense now. I see my day as a failure unless I've done something productive. I can't just lie about anymore. In the evenings it is easier. But, as some strange ritual, I have to make a mental checklist of all I've accomplished in the day in order to justify my couch potato evenings.

This morning, at Barnes and Noble story time, I observed two mothers talking. They were each so anxious to get a sentence out. Each trying to get immediate validation for what they'd just said. I recognized that same scene as being how I was about 8 months ago. Staying at home can be so monotonous and lonely. I could see how they just wanted to talk to someone...anyone. I didn't participate much in the conversation. I've relaxed a bit about it all. I'm trying to calm down about being perfect and trying to find the perfect play group. Z is flourishing just fine and I certainly don't want to spend anytime with chit chat. I'm not a snob...I just come off so ridiculous, I'd rather be silent. It's hard being a mom. It's an odd thing. Being one at an older age is very strange for me. I'm used to being all about my own experiences. Now, I focus on what kind of experiences I want her to have. I'm not great on toddler stuff. It gets on my nerves. I don't fill my car or my house with toddler tunes. Toddler shows on TV grate on my nerves.

I'm going to go sit in the sun. Z is napping and it is obvious to me that I need some Vitamin D.