Weeding for the soul.

This morning, Regis (Regis and Kelly) was talking about weeding his garden and how gratifying it was to do. So, I went out this morning and did it to see if I found it just as gratifying. Sort of. I understand the immediate gratification thing, but the sun made me tired and I wasn't wearing the proper attire. Now, I have to get out there and pick up my clippings. The energy is just sucked from my being today for some reason. I went to the gym and finished my Jane Fonda book. Damn. I feel like a friend left. I need to figure out what my next book is going to be. Audio books are so different than reading for me. I feel like I've actually spent time with the author. It's as if we've become friends and then they are gone. Leave it to me to get attached to a recording. Whatever...I miss you Jane!!

Jason is out today and tomorrow. He's traveling for work. I wish I had more energy to enjoy my night alone...but I don't. Z went down early tonight and I just wanted to head straight to bed. I've napped a little and now I'm going to eat a burrito. Real healthy.

Father's Day went pretty well. Jason and I are having some growing pains lately, so we're talking a lot. It's just the ups and downs that come with marriage. Again, our friendship comes into play, so we are being good about it. Marriage is hard sometimes! Trying to figure out the right mixture of what you need and what I need and what Z needs...and not short anyone is difficult. He works hard and can sometime struggle with home vs. work. I go back and forth from being needy to being too distant. We both come from divorced parents. We both struggle with intimacy--the ability to be completely vulnerable. It's hard when you've learned to always keep something back for yourself. We are both survivors and we both have issues with abandonment. Sometimes the baggage is just too much to try to keep both people afloat and you have to focus on yourself. If we hadn't had our years of friendship before the romantic part started, I feel this would be harder. I feel that J and I are both at a growing state in our own journeys. The issues we may have with each other just bring to light the issues we've always had with ourselves. Going on this journey with someone--life--can be comforting when you both acknowledge that you're not done growing. I feel as if we are holding hands and jumping from rock to rock...sometimes he stumbles and I get pulled down, vice versa, but we are always holding hands. Jason isn't one to let go of someone. He loves to a fault sometimes. He is someone that would drown holding you up in the water.

Back to the landscaping. I want to rip out every bullshit plant and bush we have and start over. I want to just create my own garden that bursts with color. I think I'm having issues with our landscaping because I feel as if we are keeping up the vision of the former owners. I need to recreate it.