Tuesday, March 06, 2012

I'm not ready

I've been noticing  a difference in my attitude towards change. I used to love it. I moved a lot, rearranged furniture a lot...always changing my hair and look--but now, as I see Z get older, the changes are not as easy. We are converting her crib to a bed and I am sad. I'm thrilled that she is growing and learning...but I am sad at how fast it is all going. I am nervous at my mothering skills as we head into her rebellious stage. I hope I am up for the task. I worry about being firm, but not too firm. I worry about her railroading us. I worry about her hating me as a teen. It's just an odd time. She struggles with pushing boundaries. We all do.

I think I kept wanting things to change until they felt just right. For while now...things have felt good. I just want it all to stop and be what it is. Change could bring a different feeling. I want it all to be painted and then I just want to sit and look at it.

Watching my parents age doesn't help. I know that I won't have them forever. Some of my friends have already lost their parents. I can't imagine it. They are our constants. Now we're suppose to just know how to be without them? I don't mean to focus so much on the negative side of things today. I'm just feeling a bit on rocky ground. Everything is okay...please have it stay that way.

It won't.  It's a day to question everything, I guess.

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