obsessing again

I obsess over things. Always have. I obsess about the girls. I wonder how their childhoods will be. I wonder how I'm doing as a mom. I almost wish they could fill out an assessment. I'd like to know where I could improve. You never know...the things I think I'm doing fine, Z could be thinking something completely different. I obsess over their happiness. I obsess over their surroundings. Is it fun enough? Is it clean enough? Is it creative enough? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Am I only this way because I stay at home? My mom thinks so. She thinks if I had a "job outside the home" I wouldn't worry about this as much. Maybe. But that's not my life right now. I just want to make sure Z knows she is loved...but not over spoil her. I want H to feel just as special as the "first baby." I see the short falls of my parents, but I love them. I struggled so much as a teen and as a young person. Was that their fault? Oh...some, but maybe just because I lacked "tough love" on both fronts. When one parent is tough and the other isn't...you tend to think that the tough love parent is just being an asshole. And, when they are divorced, it's even worse. I had different ideas on each side. Different ways of thinking about things. Each side had its own way of looking at things...and how to do things. I feel as if I second guessed everything I did. Is this the right way? Is this?

As I started getting older, I just polled my friends. I asked them their opinion on almost every move I made. (I feel this got very old to them.) As a child, I looked constantly to my parents to see if I was doing it all right. Now, I feel the same way. Am I doing this right??!!

I need to get over this. I'm suppose to exude confidence, right? (ha!) The girls have to feel as if I know what I'm talking about. Does anyone know what they're talking about?